Wrote this little radio play a while back, around about the time when the London Olympics had just been won and there was all kinds of nonsense being talked by the politicians on all sides about sporting legacy and schools from the same people that took away most of ourschool playing fields and are relying on the lottery cash to see them through!!
I'm a huge fan of all sports, and for those of you of a certain age, maybe you remember the "we are the champions" series with the late great inimitably enthusiastic Ron Pickering, and for me that was a far more innocent time, where sport was really about enjoyment not just money and power plays. ]
There's a real danger of bandwagon jumping at the next Olympics and even on the back of another outstanding performance by Team GB at the last Olympics - but I just hope that somewhere along the line whoever is in charge gets the message that sports and politics should never be mixed.....
" A QUESTION TIME OF SPORT"
SCENE 1. - Three Legged Race
OUTSIDE BROADCAST FROM A TYPICAL SCHOOL PLAYING FIELD IN PROVINCIAL BRITAIN, ALL SET UP FOR A SPORTS DAY
GRAMS: INTRO MUSIC - THEME FROM BBC'S QUESTION OF SPORT / MIXED IN WITH QUESTION TIME THEME
F/X: SOUND OF CHEERING CROWDS
DES LYNAM:
"Hi , Des Lynam here. A warm welcome to 5-Live listeners on this very special sporting occasion, as we continue our build up towards the London Olympics 2012. Yes, as part of the government's Sporting Legacy of Olympics in Britain initiative or SLOB, we've gathered together leading politicians from all three main parties to compete in a series of classic school sports day events. So without further a Des, it's over now to our commentary team, John Motson, Stuart Hall and Peter Snow....
JOHN MOTSON:
"Thank you Desmond! Well it is indeed a privilege to be here to cover such an interesting array of sports today. So many highlights to choose from but I have to say I'm very excited about the bean-bag toss! Peter - perhaps you can you take us through how it will work... "
PETER SNOW:
"OK so we have three 'house' teams competing - the red team, blue team and yellow. It's very much a first past the post system...oh..ok...I've just been told we can go live to the start of the first race - Stuart?
STUART HALL:
"And so, here we are, it's the 3-legged race. There they stand, what a proud collection of nobbly knees and pigeon chests, all wearing their stretch tight t-shirts and over-shiny trainers. For the red-team we have Peter Mandelson and Alastair Campbell, the blue team are represented by Ken Clarke and David Davies, and for the yellow team, Charles Kennedy and David Steel"
F/X:EXCITED SHOUTS FROM CROWD - HECKLING
SPEAKER OF HOUSE VOICE: Order! Order! - On your marks! Set!
F/X:SOUND OF STARTING PISTOL
STUART HALL:(JOVIAL)
"And they're off - and ha-ha-ha, for the yellow team Kennedy already appears to be dragging Steel along by the boot-straps. And the blues are off to a shaky start - Davies is drifting to the right, Clarke desperately trying to hold the centre ground.
Meantime, the reds appear to be spinning right off course, and they've collided with the photographers ha, ha, and so, yes it looks like it's the yellow team that are our first winners...over to Peter for some analysis on how this result will effect the early leader board... "
PETER SNOW:
"Well of course while three-legged races are great fun to watch, in politics they're extremely dangerous, because the political operator who selects the race entrants deliberately plans for failure. By exploiting a past history of conflict, leadership ambiguity, organizational tensions, or contention for the same position, the operator ensures the race is sabotaged, damaging one or both careers. And of course, if this result was to be repeated up and down the country, it would be very interesting...."
JOHN MOTSON:
"OK so certainly er in many ways, something to think about there. Anyway, I believe we're about ready for our next event -it's the egg and spoon race, and it certainly looks set to be a 'cracker'. Just time for me to tell you of one late withdrawal for the blue team, I can confirm Edwina Currie won't now be taking part"
F/X: STARTING PISTOL
JOHN MOTSON:
"Here we go then, and yes it's 'two eggs' John Prescott who's setting the early pace for the reds- oh hang on what's this... it appears that someone from the chasing group has thrown their egg and it seems to have struck - oh dear, I'd hoped we wouldn't see scenes like this again - fists are now flying - Stuart did you see what happened there?"
F/X: SOUND OF A TUSTLE/ ARGUMENT
STUART HALL:(GIGGLING)
"Yes ha ha - the blue team have played their yoker, the unmistakeably unsubtle Boris Johnson....but I think now we can go back to Des in the studio who's got a very special guest with him.... "
SCENE 2. - The Studio Interview
DES LYNAM:
" I'm pleased to say I've been joined by the red team captain, Prime Minister Tony Blair. Prime Minister, I believe a wise man did once say, never mix sport and politics?
TONY BLAIR:
"Well look, I think the main message today, is that all of us in Britain can benefit from taking part in sport, whatever our age, race and ability, and I think it's important that we remember that we can often learn in the sports fields, as in life, more in defeat than in victory..."
DES LYNAM:
"So, clearly not too confident in your team there. Tell me, what are you looking forward to most in today's events?"
TONY BLAIR:
"Well I'll certainly be taking a close interest in the sack race, and of course the tug of war... "
DES:
"Ahem, so as we now have an Olympics minister, a minister for sport, a sporting tzar, an exercise champion, and a medals analyst - what do you say to those people that accuse you of simply jumping on the latest bandwagon?
TONY BLAIR:
"Look I simply say this -our three priorities are - dedication, dedication, dedication - and if you want to be the best, and if you want to beat the rest, dedication, that's what you need.... "
DES:
"Thanks Prime Minister, now it's time to hand back to Peter Snow, in the playground who I believe has the results from the Archery competition which took place a little earlier"
SCENE 3 - Down at the Playground
PETER SNOW:
" Yes, here with the results from the Archery, and I can confirm that Education secretary Ruth Kelly did in fact miss all of her key targets.
So another deferred success for the red team there. Better news for the blue team though as Geoffrey Archer finally lived up to his name and proved both keen and able..."
However , on we go, and I know the reds will be looking to pick up points in the other playground event, with a safe pair of hands in their line up, as the Chancellor looks to apply his golden rules to those golden balls - back once more to John"
JOHN MOTSON:
"Yes, Peter, it's gripping stuff here in the penalty shoot out, and Gordon Brown could yet be facing a net loss unless he can stop another pile-driver from young George Osborne..."
F/X: SOUND OF BALL BEING KICKED - GROAN
PETER SNOW:
"Oh that is remarkable, in one deft manoeuvre he's redefined the criteria for entry into the scoring zone"
JOHN MOTSON:
"Yes, I can confirm he has in fact moved the goalposts!! And yet again it seems an English penalty shoot-out ends in tears...."
SCENE 4 - Final Track Race
JOHN MOTSON: "Well in keeping with tradition, on these occasions there is of course a special senior's event, and in this case honourable members of the House of Lords are competing in a relay event..."
STUART HALL: "Yes, and with only 1 more leg to go, it looks like the dynamic young red team quartet are running away with this -certainly a lack of 'Peer' pressure being applied.."
F/X: SOUNDS OF RUNNING - CHEERING
JOHN MOTSON: "But wait, someone's coming through for the blues, it's Lord Sebastian Coe coming from nowhere and yes, there you have it he's snatched victory from the clear favourites right on the line!"
SCENE 5 - Poolside
F/X: ECHO SOUND EFFECTS
Des Lynam:
"So what a day it's been and as we come to the last event it's still all to play for. Of course with so many of Britain's Olympic prospects depending on our water sports competitors, we thought it only right that we finished with a splash here at the indoor pool - Peter."
Peter Snow:
"Yes Desmond, for the first time today, there seems to be clear, blue, water between the teams. But with the yellow team forced to sit this one out due to a last minute, two-piece swim suit mix up for Menzies Campbell, it's all set for a rubber dinghy ding-dong between Harriott Harman and Anne Widdecombe..."
F/X: STARTING WHISTLE- LOUD SPLASHING NOISES
Stuart Hall:
"Ha Ha! Yes its Swan Lake meets Ricky Lake, both ladies seated precariously in their inflatable donuts, two wizened warriors paddling furiously towards the finishing line - but what's this - a clash of oars -hang on, there seems to be bubbles coming out of their starboard sides"
John Motson:
"Well extraordinary scenes here, I have to say, it seems after a titanic struggle that both teams are in fact now sinking, and it appears that they are quite literally abandoning ship..."
Peter Snow:
"And if we take a final look at the swim-o-meter - remember its just a bit of fun - we can clearly see that the political tide has turned and that they are already looking for the next wave to ride"
Des Lynam
"So there you have it, all a bit of a wash out in the end.
Confirmation perhaps that in fact sport is best left to people who actually care about it. Our thanks again to all those who took part today but ,as far as sports concerned, I guess all that's left for me to say to our right honourable friends is - Away you go!!"
F/X: SOUNDS OF JUMPING IN THE POOL - CHEERS
GRAMS: BBC KIDS TV - WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS THEME
Originally published on dooyoo- username yabbadabbadoo
We are the Chumpions,sport and politics don't mix! 
