T in the Park. A name synonomous with ridiculous excess, self abuse, bad weather and a bit of music in there somewhere too. I am a hardened veteran of three T in the Parks, having been the last three years and can honestly say that for a weekend of utter decadence and wild self indulgence you will find no better alternative than Scotlands biggest festival.

For the last few years it has been held on farmland at Balado in Kinross. Shuttle buses run regularly over the weekend from most major cities so getting there isn't a problem at all. All there is to do is get a ticket (around £80 including camping), turn up, pitch your tent and go with the flow. When you buy a ticket you get an information leaflet with everything you need to know about the set-up and there are marshals everywhere so you cant go wrong. The first time you go you will be amazed at how vast the campsite is, sprawled across 3 huge fields it resembles a refugee camp for nutters. The earlier you turn up the closer to the festival site your pitch will be so bear that in mind. There are toilet facilities, burger vans and an carnival right in the middle of the campsite so dont be stocking up with vast piles of food cos everthing you need is right there and the less you carry the better cos it is a bit of an uphill hike from the car park.

The festival site opens about noon on the Saturday and Sunday. There are no pass outs so take everything you need with you but travel light. Again, you can buy everything you need in the festival area as there are trade stands selling everything from cameras to tents to groovy dope-smoking accessories. There is a decent police presence there but their main objective is to sort out any trouble as opposed to arresting people smoking spliffs. There is usually very little trouble at T in the Park, I've behaved like a total tosser everytime I've went so feel free to cut about like an idiot. Everyone else will be doing the same so there will be no hassle.

The festival setup comprises several stages dotted about all over the site. For the dance music fans there is the Slam Tent, a huge marquee filled with roughly 1000 sweaty bouncing maniacs at any one time. Acts over the last few years have included Josh Wink, Luke Slater, Carl Cox and the legendary Slam themselves. Feel free to dance your heart out, there are water standpipes clearly signposted and if anyone gets in trouble there are first aid posts everywhere.

King Tuts is again in a big tent, lot of less mainstream but funky as hell acts get to play here. Ex-Stone Roses frontman Ian Brown headlined this stage on the Sunday this year and the atmoshere was immense in the enclosed space. Its usually jam packed up at the front but there's room at the back to take a seat and you can still see the act not to badly.

The Ceilidh tent is always a good giggle. Traditional Scottish music is played so as you can imagine theres always an abundance of drunken idiots dancing round in circles doing jigs so dont be embarassed about giving it a whirl and hooting your lungs out. Its also a good chill-out area if you need to take a break from the constant madness.

The T Break tent gives unsigned acts a chance to get noticed by record companies. You probably wont recognise any of the names on the bill but there are usually some decent tunes coming out of here. It's usually quite empty and relaxed so again it's a good chance to get away from the crowd.

Stage Two is a slightly smaller version version of the main stage. It used to be in a Tent but is now out in the open which loses some of the atmosphere butmakes it a lot more accessible. There are some fantastic acts play here, JJ72, Catatonia and Wheatus all put in an appearance last year with Badly Drawn Boy and The Doves performing this year. Its a good chance to get close up to some big name bands because the bigger crowds usually are drawn to the main stage. Its also a more relaxed affair because if you're down the front and fancy nipping away for a beer or something you can head off pretty easily through the crowd and usually come right back to where you were, virtualy impossible at the main stage.

The Main Stage - the daddy! This is the big crowd puller at T in the Park and rightly so. Saturday last year saw Starsailor, Primal Scream and the mighty Oasis playing. The experience of being right up the front during one of the headline acts is one that is hard to describe. The first time you do it you aren't prepared at all and you want to get the hell out after 5 minutes. Its honestly a brutal experience, elbows in the face, crushing and being right up in front of the speakers is something not to be taken lightly. Plenty of people get hurt, I saw a guy carrying a bit of his toungue out of the place during the Fun Loving Criminals in 2000. You have to go with the flow, move with the swaying crowd as best you can. Its something you pick up after a few gigs and after a while you WILL begin to love it. Get up the front on someones shoulders and you stand a good chance of getting on TV. I made two TV appearances wearing a stupid hat during David Gray and one half naked one during Feeder in 2001. A posers dream! If you want to get to the front for an act its advisable to go to the toilet, get whatever beer/food/water you need and make your way down during the middle to end of the previous act. When you get there, stay there because at the busiest times it takes ages to get in and out. There will be nutters throwing paper cups of beer around so dont get upset about getting wet hair, it's only beer and it all adds to the fun.

Buying beer at festivals is done by a token system and T in the Park is no different. You queue for tokens which cost about £2.50 and then you go and queue at the Beer stands and get your drinks. A token gets you a pint in a paper cup or a plastic glass with Vodka & mixer or whatever. There is a decent selection of alcopops, wines etc so there is something else to drink when you get sick of glugging flat Tennents. The food stands are usually great, you get your usual vans selling ratburgers dripping with god-knows-what, but there are also noodle bars, baguette stands and mexican stalls and these are bloody good.

The campsite atmosphere at T in the Park is legendary. Random people will wander over and ask if youre having fun and start chatting to you - dont worry, they're not staking out your tent for a robbery although this can happen, usually they're just getting the crack. Things do get a bit crazy on the Sunday night, i remember seeing a conga line of about 50 people all with big sticks beating the hell out a row of toilet cublicles. Oh godhow could I forget, the toilets. Trust me it's a good idea to avoid these if at all possible. They do get emptied every day but are usually an absolute health hazard. You watch punters going into them as young, healthy, able bodied men and women and coming out as emotionally broken people. You'll see what I mean because I'm not going into details.

On the whole though, you will never have a better weekend in your life. Exercise a little common sense but do what the hell you like as long as you dont hurt anyone. And dont mess with the security guys cos theres a lot of them and they're rather big. I honestly can't recommend T in the Park enough. It will rain and when it does the place starts to resemble the Somme with all the mud and young men losing their lives left right and centre, but that's all part of the fun. No matter how dirty you get there will always be someone in a worse state than you so chill out. Balado is like a second home for me and I dont want to hear "Im too old for that kinda thing" cos there's allsorts going to T in the Park. Sort youself out with a ticket, get a tent and a few bottles of Vodka, use sunscreen and I'll see ya at T in the Park 2003. Have fun!