Ten tips on spring cleaning

If I could, I would subscribe to Quentin Crisp's assertion that the dust doesn't get any thicker after four years. Unfortunately, eventually I have to do something about it!

Here are some of my tips for household cleaning. Properly applied they can cut your cleaning time in half. Or even stop it bothering you.

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Warning! Before you read on, this review contains some extremely sexist statements. Do not read if you are easily offended or an emancipated male.

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1. The really, really, really most important tip!

Educate your other half about what dust and muck looks like.
For example.
"Do you see that soft grey film on your dressing table? Well that is called dust. It is made mostly of dead skin cells. Most of them must be yours because I exfoliate regularly and you don't."

Or......."Look down the toilet pan. Anything that is not white is evil muck and has to be removed with the toilet brush! No!!! pouring bleach onto it is not the solution. All you have then is bleached evil muck!"

Or......."Thank you for cleaning the crumbs off the table. That was very thoughtful of you. Unfortunately they are still crumbs and they are now on the carpet. That is not good! You will have to get Mr Dyson out, to help you clear them up!"

Try breaking it down into simple tasks. Repeat endlessly..........
1. See the mess.
2. Repeat after me "Mess is nasty!"
3. Take responsibility for your mess.
4. Remove your mess.
5. Not to any place other than the bin!
6. Do not tell me that you have cleaned the toilet/dusted/washed the dishes for me. I didn't mess it up and it really won't amuse me that you think it is my job to remove your mess.

It's all in the training! If he or she doesn't understand he/she can't help you.

2. Alternatively you can play "Find the housemaid." This is a game for consenting adults only.

Dress yourself in household cleaning objects. ie dusters, polish cans, hoover bags, you might want to use brillo pads to cover your naughty bits. Let him/her know that you are naked underneath it all! Tell your partner he is only allowed to remove an item when he has proved that he understands and can use the previous one. This approach greatly accelerates learning.

3 Don't allow anyone upstairs!

Make them use the outside loo.
It is much easier to clean one little outside toilet than the whole of the upstairs. It's logical isn't it? No one will see the grimy pit you are living in if you don't allow them access.
If folk get really insistent about going upstairs tell them that you have plumbers in and there are no floorboards down. If necessary make them pee in the garden because it is "good for the plants".

4. Listing.

Make a list of what you have to do. Promise yourself a treat when you finish a job and have crossed it off the list.
Write 'Make list' at the bottom.
There! You can cross one off already and go and have a cup of tea on the strength of that.

5. Ornaments, windows and mirrors.

If you must have any of the above, make sure that there is a barrier around them to stop anyone touching them and messing them up. Tell your own, or visiting children, that there is a resident wicked child eating troll that will eat them if they so much as breathe on them. If your child is of a sensitive nature, stand it on a sheet of polythene first so any resulting puddles can be easily dealt with. (Forward planning is everything!)

6 The bare truth.

Completely shave all pets before they are allowed over the threshold.

7. Who needs friends anyway?

Invite your friends to a house cleaning party. Tell all of them that you have hidden a prize under the dust, grime and general pigginess. Hand out Marigolds and watch them enjoy themselves. They will talk about it (and you!) for years! If they take offence and don't come back, that's less people to worry about seeing your dusty dwelling.

8. Remember that your house is your home.
You own it it doesn't own you!
Don't be trying to keep it perfect because your Great Aunt Gertrude once saw a cobweb on your Mum's lampshade in 1927. She is highly unlikely to visit you now.
Do what makes you comfortable but don't be a martyr! What's the point of having a spotless home if getting it that way is making you too miserable to enjoy being there?

9. We're nearly at the end!
Delete Ciao from your 'favourites' and go and make a start on the ironing.

10. Invite Nar 2 to live with you.

He'd be good company and nothing would ever be allowed to get dirty again.

Plea for clemency.

Please excuse the levity and gross generalisations rampant in this review. To be honest, I find that a sense of humour is the only thing that can ever get me to approach the dreaded Spring Cleaning.