Tesco Healthy Eating Caesar Salad

...lining the pockets of the Tesco fat cats who drive round in big cars and smoke cigars that look like traffic bollards. But at the end of the day, who really can be arsed going to the effort of making something when that thing is sat there in a plastic bag saying "I'm only a few pence more, and you can eat me straight away. Come on, don't be a fool. You'll only cut yourself on the cheese grater if you try to do it yourself. You know what you're ...
...I have NEVER had a Tesco Caesar Salad that didn't have all the ingredients in. I suppose there must be a few out there that slipped through the net, but don't worry, somebody else is bound to get them.

So what does it taste like? Pretty nice actually. The lettuce is fresh, the cheese tastes pretty authentic, and the dressing is creamy and what's more a generous portion. The croutons, admittedly, are a bit hard and crunchy, probably ... more

Well, we've all been there. Coasting out the end of a three-day bender, during which nothing has been consumed other than KFC and pork scratchings, all washed down with liver-crippling amounts of alcohol, and as we hurl the dregs of the gin bottle into our squirming, spasming stomachs, and our nicotine and tar-coated mouths try vainly to squeeze enough saliva from our cracked, dehydrated tongues to choke down some aspirin, a thought swims dreamily up into the shattered remains of our consciousness: "You know, all this nonsense really can't be terribly good for me. I expect I should start eating salad for a bit.."

And so we do. But obviously it's way too much effort to, like, buy a lettuce and chop it up. Plus the fact that it only takes about a third of a lettuce to make a one-person salad. And as we all know, the other two thirds will only sit in the fridge going brown because the chances of us eating salad TWO days in a row are practically non-existent. So the only option is to go pre-packed. Yes, it's lazy; yes, you're only lining the pockets of the Tesco fat cats who drive round in big cars and smoke cigars that look like traffic bollards. But at the end of the day, who really can be arsed going to the effort of making something when that thing is sat there in a plastic bag saying "I'm only a few pence more, and you can eat me straight away. Come on, don't be a fool. You'll only cut yourself on the cheese grater if you try to do it yourself. You know what you're like. You're a bloody idiot. I'm the only option you have. You need me. If only you'd admit it we could be on our way home by now…"

I know. They don't half go on, some of these salads. So anyway, if you're going to opt for pre-packed, then you could do a lot worse than Tesco's Caesar Salad. Here are the things that come in the bag: salad - pre-chopped (phew), a little tub of parmesan - pre-grated (phew), a bag of croutons - pre-toasted (phew) and a sachet of Caesar dressing. It's like a nice little kit. It's almost a pleasure, when you get it home, to rummage in the big packet and produce all the individually wrapped ingredients, as if they were all little presents. Sometimes you do think "Holy Christ! They've forgotten the croutons!" but it always turns out that they're hidden under a leaf or something. I have NEVER had a Tesco Caesar Salad that didn't have all the ingredients in. I suppose there must be a few out there that slipped through the net, but don't worry, somebody else is bound to get them.

So what does it taste like? Pretty nice actually. The lettuce is fresh, the cheese tastes pretty authentic, and the dressing is creamy and what's more a generous portion. The croutons, admittedly, are a bit hard and crunchy, probably because they were toasted about three weeks before and vacuum-sealed in some diabolical warehouse somewhere. But that's a minor quibble. Overall, the package is very tasty, and I won't hear a word said against it.

One thing against it is the price. It's about two quid for the whole caboodle. When you think about it, that's a goddamn rip-off. I haven't the inclination or the grocery-statistics to work it out properly, but I'll bet the cost of the ingredients is only about 10 pee. And if you were mental enough to want Caesar salad every day for a fortnight, you'd make drastic savings by buying three lettuces, and block of parmesan, a loaf of bread and a bottle of dressing. Fortunately for Tesco fat cats, very few people actually are that mental. And if they are, they're probably not allowed in Tesco's in case they try to get into one of the freezers thinking it's a magic cupboard, and the fishfingers contained therein are miniature orange wizards. You see, those fat cats have thought of everything.

That's it, then. Everything you need to know about the Tesco Caesar Salad. Oh yeah, I've just realised this is the Healthy Eating option. Sadly I don't have a packet on me, so I can't give you the nutritional information you so badly crave. I bet you're going to rate me down for that, aren't you? Gits. What I can tell you is that this tastes pretty much the same as the full-fat version. Is that not good enough for you? Jesus, I've just written six paragraphs on a bloody salad. What do you want, blood?

Honestly, sometimes I don't know WHY I bother…
 

...less