The title of this rant is a great one-liner a friend came out with, a year or so ago, when I had the worst laptop in the world from the worst computer company in the world.

The Computer World. I keep seeing this name around the Interweb next to the world "liquidation" and the like, and my local branch in Southampton closed down a while ago. So let's hope that's the end of it. But if there's still one near you, don't be tempted by those cheap dealios in the window. Don't be tempted by the interest-free credit and the shiny sparkly silver laptops. Here's why.

I was tempted, and I ended up losing over £1,000. The funny thing is, we had a computer from Tiny back in 1998, and it gave us nothing but hassle back then. My dad swore he'd never buy anything from them ever again.

So why on earth did I?! Well, I wanted to have a go at making music, and I'd been looking online at all these expensive Sony ones. I was dying to get started, and this particular laptop was £1019, and I didn't have to pay for it until January. I walked past the Southampton shop and looked in the window, and I saw it. It had a 15" screen, 512mb RAM 1.2 processor, 40gig HDD… and 1500x1400 or-something-else-great resolution. It looked amazing!

I didn't have to wait long to receive it. And when I did it was so much fun. It was easy to get started and everything, I simply had to go through the usual Welcome to Windows malarkey and all that. I got a free printer, all the cables, mouse, carry case and loads of programs to play with. Great. I was well away!

Then one night around June 2003 I got home and booted up the laptop because I felt like typing a story. Don't ask, haha. But when I gave up after about 5 minutes and closed Word, the laptop suddenly went green, and then black. I wasn't too upset because I'd certainly had my share of machines crashing on me, but I was a little worried that I had to take the battery out and put it back in to get it to turn on again.

It did it again and again for about 3 months. I was on the phone to Time once or twice a week, and the Nice Men and Ladies talked me through various methods to try to correct the problem, from reformatting, various DOS bits and bobs… all sorts. One said that it didn't sound like my reboot disks weren't working properly, and I should get some more, and they would cost me £60. I asked if I could simply send it to them so they could have a look, and they said that would cost me another £40 just for the labour.

Yeah, right. I kicked up such a fuss that they sent me some reboot disks for free, but when they eventually arrived, they still didn't correct the problem.

The phone bills to Time's helpline that quarter added up to £48.

Before Christmas that year, my dad and I took the laptop, printer, cables, reboot disks and everything else to the Computer World shop, had an impatient conversation with the assistant, dumped the stuff on the counter and left them there. That, I hoped, would be the end of it. But then I got a phone call from them saying that if I didn't take it back or pay for it to be fixed, it would be destroyed. I didn't want my whole £1,000 to go to waste, so I reluctantly took it back.

I took a chance and rang Time again one Saturday morning. I got through to a Nice Lady who sounded like knew what she was talking about from step one. She told me to go to Control Panel, click on Power Management and there was this menu that said "turn screen off after *insert time*" She said I had it set to go off too soon. How strange.

I found it insulting that she would suggest that that alone had been my problem since the previous April.

But I kept trying, using the work phone when I could get away with it! Eventually I managed to get through the Best Nice Man in the company, who was quite high up in management. He listened to my entire story, and offered to take the computer back, and have a look at it personally. He did, and I willingly returned it, yet again, to the head office. It turned out that the thing needed new fans and the modem had completely given up. After a YEAR? This alone made me reluctant to accept it back a second time.

I got so upset when it arrived back and straight away went back to it's old habits. Black screen. I burst into tears and threatened to throw it out of the window! Then one day I told my boss about it, and he mentioned that he had a friend who would have a look at it for me.

It had over 40 missing drivers. FORTY. This Lovely Laptop Fixer Man put all of these drivers on for me, but the soundcard would no longer respond. I bought an external one, and then I was able to use the laptop normally for another year.

I sold the laptop which by then worked wonderfully last June (2005). I felt guilty inflicting it on somebody else in a way, but I'd lost so much money on this and it was very much needed, as I was moving. I didn't give the buyer the Time reboot disks. I told him he was better off using his own operating system, and I told him that he was better off never formatting it again, unless he knew a Lovely Laptop Fixer Man like mine. He seemed to have some use for it anyway.

I know it's all in the past now but it's still upsetting to think about. And at the end of all this I know the little thing down at the bottom of this page is going to ask me if I recommend this company. The answer? No, no, and indeed NO! Don't do it.