Despite the category I'm writing in here, these are not necessarily my favourite songs of all time. However, they all have something about them that either grabs my attention or holds a particular memory. Most songs pass me by and are instantly forgotten and there are even fewer I can listen to twice in quick succession, but all these easily pass the "two consecutive listens" test.
They aren't in any particular order and I should warn you that my taste is not in the least cool or trendy. Right, if you could just give me a moment then I'll adjust my polyester slacks, slip off my Hush Puppies and press on.
1. WHEELS OF STEEL - SAXON
Apparently Judas Priest were considered the main inspiration for This Is Spinal Tap, the superb, much-quoted spoof documentary ("hey, rockumentary") of a heavy metal band. On the basis of this song, I think Saxon were robbed.
Wheels Of Steel is a not a good song, but it's so bad that it always makes me smile. I don't know much about Saxon and that's how I'd like to keep it, especially if this is a good example of their whole body of work. It opens with a sustained chord, then it's codpieces and clichés to the fore as we launch into the grinding, repetitive riff that lasts for most of the song. Some of the lyrics are hard to decipher, but basically he's banging on about how his car (with it's, ahem, Wheels Of Steel) is jolly fast and makes him irresistible to foxy rock chicks.
Saxon appear to have made a detailed study of the How To Make A Heavy Metal Song manual. All the clichés are here, from excessive use of "huh"s, "yeah"s and the like to the guitarist's twiddly solo where he seems to get bored half way through. Topping things off comes the classic "false ending" ruse, where you think you've clawed your way to the end then back they come again "talking 'bout my Wheels of Steel". What, still?
2. AFTERGLOW - GENESIS
I really should have long hair to appreciate some of this music, but even before I started thinning on top that long, lanky-haired look remained beyond me. Looking back I'm actually kind of glad. My own hair always grew outwards in a sort of half-hearted affro. Not cool. Speaking of uncool, Genesis were never exactly hip but I liked their first four albums after Peter Gabriel had left to go solo. I could never quite see the appeal of his poncing about the stage dressed as a flower, so much preferred it when Phil Collins emerged from behind the drumkit and took over lead vocals, launching his bid for the world domination he achieved as a solo star in the 1980s.
Afterglow is on the album Wind and Wuthering ("Pretentious, darling? Us?") and has a wonderfully atmospheric feel, enhanced by the bass keyboards that run all the way through it. Lyrically it seems to be a fairly straightforward love song, but subtle lyrical nuances were never my strong point so it's probably something to do with driving a milk float down the M6. Afterglow was a popular live track at Genesis concerts, but the lights they used while playing it were so powerful that if they performed outside then local airports had to be warned first, just in case any passing planes tried to land on the stage.
Bizarre.
3. COMFORTABLY NUMB - PINK FLOYD
The Scissor Sisters. Words that passed my lips only via clenched teeth for a long time after I heard their first hit, which was a cover of this glorious, wonderful, fabulous song. The trouble was, they'd Natalie Cole'd it. Let me explain. In the 1980s Natalie - daughter of Nat King - Cole took a superb, raw Bruce Springsteen song called Pink Cadillac and turned it into a hideous piece of anonymous disco drivel, completely losing the spirit and, somehow, the tune of the original. Why oh why did Springsteen allow this to happen? More to the point how could Roger Waters, who wrote Comfortably Numb, do the same? Surely he didn't need the royalties and the sound of the Scissor Sisters sharpening their butcher's knives must have carried for miles around.
The original Comfortably Numb is taken from The Wall, the huge selling album released by Pink Floyd in 1979 and later turned into an iffy film starring Bob Geldof. It's a concept album telling the story of a rock star called Pink, who is having a nervous breakdown and constructing a mental wall to protect himself. Another Brick In The Wall was the album's big hit, telling how Pink's schooldays had added, er, Another Brick In The Wall. Comfortably Numb comes from the point where he is completely losing the plot but needs to go on stage and perform. "Just a little pin prick" and he finds himself Comfortably Numb and ready to go. The song has a warm, hazy feel that completely suits the subject matter and it ends with one of the greatest guitar solo fade-outs ever. Without question.
(Sadly, my plan to hate the Scissor Sisters for evermore was foiled at an early stage as I like all their other songs. Blast).
4. DEAD RINGER FOR LOVE - MEAT LOAF
This was a top 10 single from Dead Ringer, Meat Loaf's second hit album and the follow up to the all-conquering Bat Out Of Hell. It's a loud, old fashioned rock song, performed as a duet with the much customised and, somehow, increasingly youthful Cher. Like all Meat Loaf's best work it was written by Jim Steinman, a superb songwriter but a man to whom subtlety is a complete mystery. His everything-including-the-kitchen-sink approach suits this song perfectly and there is a tune in there somewhere, although it's fairly well hidden for the first few listens. Best of all, Dead Ringer For Love provides an exhilarating opportunity for the air guitar, drums or even piano aficionado to show off their skills. Probably not recommended after a heavy night on the crème de menthe, though.
5. ROOM IN YOUR HEART - LIVING IN A BOX
Just love it. Don't know why, really, but it makes me go all unnecessary and tingly every time it comes on. Most love songs leave me cold, but there's just something about this one. Living In A Box? I don't know anything about them except that they have a very silly name and had a couple of other hits as well, but when they've produced something as sublime as this then who cares?
6. AFTERIMAGE - RUSH
Rush are one of my favourite bands.
There. I've said it. They are also chronically unhip and always have been, with a singer who sounds like he's had an accident with his trouser zip and a drummer who plays as though his life depends on hitting every bit of his huge kit as often as possible. And let's not even mention some of their lyrics, particularly the early ones. But…but…there is something about them which brings me back to their music again and again. I love Neil Peart's drumming and Geddy Lee is a superb bass player with a powerful and distinctive voice, although its pitch sends cats scattering in all directions. The third member of the band is Alex Lifeson, an excellent guitarist if a little fond of sustaining a chord ("yes, thanks Alex, we've heard it now").
Afterimage is not my favourite Rush song, but it is the one with the most significance for me as it reminds me of my best friend Chris, who died suddenly and unexpectedly of heart failure at the age of 26. Ironically, the song itself is about a friend of lyricist Peart's who had also died unexpectedly. I remember discussing the song with Chris and talking about how hard something like that must be not only, of course, for the person who dies but also for the people left behind. The first lines of the song are:
"Suddenly you were gone
From all the lives you left your mark upon"
Little did we know how prophetic that conversation was - Chris died 14 years ago now and I still miss him sometimes.
I forgot our conversation about this song until a few months after he died, when I happened to hear this track and it all came flooding back. I'm not a particularly emotional person but even now thinking about it brings a lump to my throat, so time to move on.
7. I WAS ONLY JOKING - ROD STEWART
Poor old Rod. He became a parody of himself many years ago, so it's hard to remember that during the 70s and early 80s he sold an enormous number of records and was rarely out of the charts. His dodgy image has always overshadowed the fact that he is not only an excellent singer and performer but also a superb lyricist. Originally on the 1977 album Footloose and Fancy Free, this was one of his top 10 hits and is written from the viewpoint of a man looking regretfully back at the irresponsible life he led as a youth. A touch autobiographical, perhaps?
I love "pop" songs that have not only a good tune but also intelligent lyrics that make sense and say a lot with a few words. There aren't many of them about, but I Was Only Joking is one of them.
Personally I think Rod is well past his best now, but probably not from his own or his bank manager's points of view as he has started to make albums of crusty old "standards" which have sold by the million. Not my cup of tea, especially as my Mum loves them ("he sings them so well, you know"). It's probably just as well that he's toned it down a bit as he turned 60 in January, but I hope he makes at least one or two more "proper" albums.
I'm not sure that he will though as for Human, his last one, he was told by his management, record company and everyone else who heard it pre-release that it was brilliant and bound to be a huge hit.
Everything was geared up to make as much as possible of this upcoming success, including a massive tour, so it must have been a huge disappointment for all concerned when Human sold about half a dozen copies. I bought one of them and it's very good, if a bit ballad heavy, but somehow I think he'll be sticking to the crusty covers from now on. Shame.
8. LONG LONG WAY TO GO - DEF LEPPARD
Another one of my favourite bands. I'm so cool it hurts. Def Leppard sell loads of albums and concert tickets, but few people claim to like them. Strange that, especially as their Best Of album was in the top 10 for several weeks around Christmas. I love melodic rock songs and good "power ballads" and no-one does a better power ballad than Def Leppard.
They hit the big time in 1983 with the album Pyromania, which sold several million copies. In 1987 they progressed to the still bigger time with Hysteria, which sold even more. Between those two albums and partly explaining why there was such a long gap, Def Leppard became one of the very few bands in the world with a one-armed drummer. Rick Allen's right arm was all but severed in a car crash and so badly damaged that it was eventually amputated. Any other drummer's career would probably have ended there, but Rick was lucky enough to have the money to develop a customised electronic kit and eventually resumed playing with the band.
Def Leppard may have been hugely successful, but they have never been the luckiest group in the world and in 1991 one of their two guitarists died of a drugs overdose. They recruited a replacement and to my knowledge have not suffered any more disasters since. However, in case bad luck really does come in threes then if I ever find myself boarding the same plane as them then I will be getting off again very quickly indeed.
Their last really successful album was 1992's Adrenalize, but although their appeal has since become more selective (another cunning Spinal Tap reference, trivia fans) they are still some way above the breadline.
Long Long Way To Go is taken from X, their most recent "proper" album (as opposed to the Greatest Hits compilation) and is another one of the few love songs that I really like. The band didn't write it, which is no bad thing as lyrics are not always their strong point, but they make it their own, adding their trademark multi-layered vocals and polished sound. The song doesn't have any particular meaning for me, but it gets into your head and stays there and I can listen to it again and again. Mrs B. is not a Def Leppard fan by any stretch of the imagination, but even she likes it. Praise indeed.
9. ROLE MODEL - THE PROCLAIMERS
The Proclaimers are twin brothers Craig and Charlie Reid. I've been a fan since they first became well known, mainly for the music but also because they have never tried to be anything other than themselves. Many acts would tone down their accents to try and widen their commercial appeal, but the Proclaimer's strong Scottish diction always rings through loud and clear.
Role Model is one of the very few songs I can listen to repeatedly, never mind just the twice. It's taken from their most recent album Born Innocent and tells the story of a successful mother of three who puts mere mortals to shame without being whiter than white, an appropriate colour as one line of the song refers to her taking cocaine.
An internet search didn't give any clues as to whether the song is about a real person, but it doesn't really matter as it's so joyous yet cutting at the same time. It's addressed to another woman and includes the lines:
"She's got better looking kids than you
She's got a better looking husband too".
Ouch.
The music is basically skiffle plus a touch of country and western, with twanging guitars and a good ol' foot-tapping rhythm. The Proclaimers often deliver their best, most stinging lyrics from within a cheerful tune and I'd like to quote the whole of this song, but I'm not sure what the legal position is around doing that so will try to get away with just a few more lines.
The Role Model of the title has loved and lost, had three children and is about to write her rags to riches autobiography. The first time I heard the song I thought it was great, but what clinches it for me is the middle verse which made me laugh out loud:
"There's a secret to her success
She's got balls like the SAS
She's got more balls than me
More balls than you
More balls than all the sweatshops
Making balls for Man U"
Not so funny out of context, but in the middle of a jolly, singalong song it's brilliant.
10. DAVE - THE BOOMTOWN RATS
The Boomtown Rats are the band that made Bob Geldof famous, several years before he became involved in Band and Live Aid. They had their first hit in 1977 playing energetic, guitar-based pop rock.
I was a fan from early on and for several years the Rats were my favourite band. They were also the first band I saw live in 1982 and were superb. By that time, however, their star was starting to wane commercially and for me alarm bells started to ring when they introduced a horn section. I love a saxophone by itself, but when new records by formerly guitar-based bands suddenly feature multiple horns it's usually a sign of trouble. See also The Jam.
The second time I saw the Rats live was in 1985, after the Band Aid single but before Live Aid. It was rather sad, as the album they were promoting wasn't selling well and Geldof was obviously preoccupied with Live Aid. Presumably because of that the performance was lacklustre and the band were just going through the motions, even when they performed I Don't Like Mondays, their biggest hit but actually one of my least favourite of their songs.
The album they were promoting was called In The Long Grass and was pretty weak except for one track that stood out a mile - Dave. The lyrics are about trying to convince a drug addict of how he's wasting his life and needs to "keep going", but for me the strength of the song lies in its music and smooth, hypnotic feel. It's a mid-paced, keyboard heavy song but what really made it for me was the superb, U2-esque playing of guitarist Garry Roberts.
I was therefore unimpressed when I bought the Rats' recent Greatest Hits album and found the version of Dave it contained was completely different. I assume this was the single version, but it had lost most of its smooth, hypnotic feel and seemed somehow more…jangly. What's worse, that superb guitar was almost completely lost and buried so deep in the mix that you could barely hear it. Whichever bright spark thought this new version was an improvement was very wrong. Perhaps U2's lawyers had been on the phone.
All the Rats albums were recently re-released on CD (not a whiff of a cash-in opportunity around Mr Geldof, by any chance?), so it looks like I need to replace my worn vinyl copy of In The Long Grass with a CD to be sure of getting the right version. I'm sure I could download it from somewhere onto my iPod…if I had one. Can you download stuff onto cassettes via an old and slightly creaky PC? Thought not.
I do seem to have rambled on a bit there, but if you've made it this far then thanks very much for reading.
Codpieces, Cliches and Polyester Slacks 
Number 3 - definitely one for me ;)