Right: back to the battle against acronyms and smileys. It's like the war on terror, but slightly m...
Right: back to the battle against acronyms and smileys. It's like the war on terror, but slightly more pedantic. And worthwhile.
Member since:12.06.2005
Reviews:78
Members who trust:226
I'm sick at the moment, which is rubbish, but not entirely unexpected. After all, I teach small children (some of you may be surprised to learn that. What can I say? I think I was drunk for my careers advice day). Anyway, children are dirty wee buggers, and the ones in my class are fecking disgusting. That may sound a bit harsh, but let me assure you, there is no orifice within reach that they won't joyfully excavate. In public. Generally during story time. Often, if it's a particularly bright child, they'll be investigating two simultaneously. Now, despite me being a hygiene Nazi with them (they know they're not allowed within three feet of me unless they've scrubbed their hands), this means that I tend to get more coughs, colds and stomach bugs than the average person who does not know their good fortune at being able to work in an office amongst grown-ups.
So, the combination of me being ill and also more gullible than a five year old who truly believes she will get a pony for her next birthday means that I will have a go at any over the counter remedy that catches my eye.
The newest brand to seduce me was Vicks First DefenceNasal Spray, which is part of a range of Vicks products that have been heavily advertised recently in a hateful way (variously: sombre man with irritating voice talks at length about the size of your nasal cavities (actually, now that I'm thinking about it, this one may not be Vicks at all, but it still really bloody annoys me, so I'll leave it in), woman in lift with HUGE nose turns out to be a bit of a nasty bint, downtrodden woman gets sneezed on, etc.)
The first shock was the price. It costs £7. That's bloody loads more than a box of Lemsip. Although Lemsip tastes like industrial grade citrus bleach and doesn't work, I'm still outraged. It's only a tiny bottle of chemicals. You could get a packet of pleasingly flavoured Halls Soothers and a hot port if you smiled beguilingly at your local barman for that kind of money.
You're all probably bright enough to work out how to buy some by yourself, but just in case: to get hold of some, pop along to your local Tesco (or any supermarket/chemist. Whatever) and make your way along the medicinal aisle until you see some little blue boxes with a strange picture of a shaven headed man on the front. Oh, it'll also say 'Vick's First Defence Nasal Spray', which is quite a big clue. Then take it to the checkout and write a cheque for seven quid. Lastly, fumble about in your bag/wallet for ages to find your cheque guarantee card (I should probably point out that this last bit isn't strictly necessary. You can always give them cash, but this way will please me and also hammer home your displeasure at being ripped off).
Once you've acquired your tiny little bottle of the fiendishly expensive stuff (you can try and haggle for it, but it doesn't tend to work and Tesco's look down on that kind of behaviour, I find) you'll do one of two things:
Either a) carefully peruse the ingredients list to see if there's anything you're allergic to and then read the dosage directions. This is what you should do. This is not what I did.
Or b) lose the instructions instantly, wrestle the cap off the thing, shove it up your nostril, spray like there's no tomorrow and inhale deeply. This is what I did.
If you choose option a you'll get a squirt of chemicals up your nose in a reasonably unpleasant but not life-threatening way. Your nose will run a wee bit but then the bunged up sensation will clear. You might sneeze once or twice but that'll subside fairly quickly. Within an hour or so you should begin to feel your symptoms easing slightly. If you follow the directions (2-3 sprays per nostril 4 times a day) your cold should be considerably better by the next day and pretty much gone within 48 hours.
If you choose option b, however, things will go very differently indeed. You'll get a huge squirt of chemicals that burn like acid and go first to your eyes and then to your brain. Your eyes will stream like you've just been punched in the nose and you will then do a massive sneeze, the force of which will be equivalent to a small atom bomb being detonated and which will expel every bit of mucus your body has ever contained and spatter it on any surface within a 5 metre radius. You won't be able to stop sneezing and you will be effectively blind because your eyes will be watering so badly. At this stage you'll begin to heartily wish that you'd read the instructions, and also that you hadn't taken it in public. After that all the gunk that was in your nose will begin to migrate at considerable speed both out of your nostrils and also down the back of your throat. This will taste foul and make you want to gag. Once you've endured all of this things will begin to normalise and the cold-relief benefits will kick in. In short, option b is a bit like doing poppers, but without any of the fun of doing poppers.
Whatever route you take, Vicks First Defence does work quite expediently. There are a few points to note, though. Despite what the hateful ad may imply, you really, really don't want to take this stuff in public. There's always a risk of things getting a bit messy and in the worst case scenario it'll look like you've just been ectoplasmed. Also, you need to take it when you first feel your cold coming on. It'll still work if you take it when your symptoms have fully developed but it'll take a few days longer, and this is not a pleasant medicine to take. Lastly, don't give it to children under 12. Not really sure why. Perhaps it makes them explode. (Probably not, but no harm in hoping).
How helpful would this review be to a person making a buying decision? Rating guidelines
You must be one hell of a laugh at the end-of-term bash at your school - throw caution to the wind and go for Plan B, and just in case that doesn't work, there was no Plan A. Thank SixAndCo's comment in your GB for me perchance happening upon this - a nice ruse if that's one of your alter-egos ;-) Exceptionally funny, I retire to my bed this eve chortling to myself, much to the annoyance of anyone else in the house.
rolletrog 15.11.2008 00:48
I have manflu at the mo - I may be dying. I'm relying on Buttercup syrup and strepsils but neither are helping and I fear I may only have a few hours left - this cheered me up although I did have a coughing fit due to imagining you snotting everywhere. Thanks, you've made my last minutes very enjoyable.
First Defence nasal spray gets to work in the area deep inside the nasal cavity where cold ... more
germs first take hold and multiply. First Defence is a Micro-Gel nasal spray based on plant extracts. It works by trapping cold causing germs and helping your bo...
Postage & Packaging: £2.93 Availability: Usually dispatched within 1-2 business days...
Vicks Early Defense Nasal Decongestant works fast to relieve nasal congestion as soon as ... more
you feel the first sign of a stuffy nose. It provides up to 12 hours of congestion relief. The unique scent signals the product is working as you experience freer ...
Postage & Packaging: free Super Saver Delivery Availability: Usually dispatched within 24 hours...
First Defence nasal spray gets to work in the area deep inside the nasal cavity where cold ... more
germs first take hold and multiply. First Defence is a Micro-Gel nasal spray based on plant extracts. It works by trapping cold causing germs and helping your bo...
Postage & Packaging: free Super Saver Delivery Availability: Usually dispatched within 24 hours...
Vicks Early Defense Nasal Decongestant works fast to relieve nasal congestion as soon as ... more
you feel the first sign of a stuffy nose. It provides up to 12 hours of congestion relief. The unique scent signals the product is working as you experience freer ...
Postage & Packaging: £2.95 Availability: Usually dispatched within 1-2 business days...
Advantages: Quick and easy to use. Does seem to reduce severity of cold like symptoms and shortens timescale of suffering. Disadvantages: Expensive. Tastes revolting. Difficult to tell whether this product really does combat infection, as avoidance of coughs and colds could be put down to a sensible diet or healthy lifestyle instead.
Bollinger28 04.02.2007 (04.02.2007)
·
Read review
Ciao members have rated this review on average: very helpful
Review of Vicks First Defence
Feb 1st, 2007
exceptional by (21%):
very helpful by (79%):
