Isn’t the English language fun? It has such an ability to cause confusion and misunderstanding – especially when condensed for, say, road signs and headlines. The classic example, of course, being ‘MAN EATING CLAMS’ – will the picture show a giant clam with a bit of hairy, human leg between its shells…or a man in a seafood restaurant happily dining on a bowl full of littleneck clams?

There are many signs and notices that have baffled me when I was a child. Actually, some baffled me as an adult. Some still do. So herewith, to pass the time, some REAL signs, and my interpretations of them. Watch out for our special guest star!

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**UPDATE 30/7/2003** - NO SOLICITORS
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As some of you may know, my daughter is in the States with my mum at the moment. The other day, they went shopping (Saz bought a cheerleaders skirt - I'm afraid...very afraid). In the car park was a sign. Saz said to mum "That's a funny sign," as she giggled away. Mum couldn't initially spot a sign that could be construed as amusing. Until she found it - "NO SOLICITORS" it said. Saz couldn't POSSIBLY understand why her friend (and mine...and possibly even yours) Claire wouldn't be allowed in this carpark. Mum couldn't understand why Saz would find a sign forbidding beggars to approach shoppers amusing.

Soon, all was revealed. Just as well Mum's seen 'Rumpole on the Bailey...'

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LITTERING - $100 FINE
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We used to travel to my grandparents around six or seven times a year. They lived in south-central Pennsylvania – I lived on Long Island, New York. So the trip was a 300 mile drive, almost entirely on highways.

You see these signs on highways quite a bit. Clearly, what they are TRYING to say is that if you get caught littering, you could be fined $100.

As a child, I was unaware of THAT meaning of ‘fine’. ‘Fine’ to me meant good, or well. So I thought the sign was telling me that it was FINE to chuck $100 bills out your window. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why anyone would WANT to!

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BRIDGE FREEZES BEFORE ROAD SURFACE
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This is another highway sign. What they are TRYING to say is that the bridge or overpass is likely to become icy before the highway does, since it’s exposed from all sides (it may freeze even quicker if it’s a bridge over water, rather than over more highway).

Anyone remember the 1960s Batman TV series? Remember Mr Freeze? Freezing people in a block of ice…well, what I IMAGINED is a bridge completely encased in a block of ice. In isolation. Yeah, whatever.

On a slightly different, yet related note, you also see signs reading ‘bridge may be icy’ – these signs remain in situ all year round. Kind of strange to see in the middle of summer when it’s 90 degrees F, with 100% humidity…

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SPEED ENFORCED FROM AIRCRAFT
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Yet another highway sign. There are white lines painted on the highway. The idea is light aircraft fly overhead (where else would they fly?) and time how long it takes you to get from one white line to the next; if you are speeding, they radio to a waiting police car, who stops you and gives you a little love letter.

What I imagine when reading these signs…I have two words for you…STRAFING RUN!

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MEN WORKING NEXT 37.48309 MILES
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OK, this one isn’t a misunderstanding – but it did tickle me. I was in the car with my Dad (I think we were going to Scranton, PA, if anyone cares), and I haven’t remembered the sign verbatim, but that was the general gist.

What tickled me was both the sheer distance (men working for over 30 miles??) and the accuracy (to HOW many significant digits?)

On a related note, most of signs of this ilk now inform you ‘People Working’. Remember, in the US, they use text road signs as a rule, rather than the ‘man struggling to open heavy umbrella in a high wind’ picture they use here.

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NO OUTLET
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You see this sign in the US on residential roads, usually when the residential street group is off of or between two more major roads. What they mean to say is that there is no access from one major road to the other.

I always imagined, though, a labyrinthine system – you might get in, but you’ll NEVER get out – truly, NO EXIT.

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REST ROOMS
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I don’t really need to say much about this – you see signs, particularly in American restaurants, pointing you to the ‘rest rooms’. Obviously (!) these are the toilets.

As a kid, I thought they were for resting in – you know, comfy chairs, maybe a cushion or two. Although, I suppose you COULD rest in the toilet if you really wanted to…

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BILL STICKERS WILL BE PROSECUTED
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You usually see these signs on boarded up buildings, or windows in malls…that kind of thing. What of course they mean is that you shouldn’t stick posters advertising your club or latest weight loss remedy or what-have-you on that very inviting looking blank space.

Now, please welcome our Special Guest Star – none other than our very own CareBear!

As a bit of an explanation, the germ of this op came from an exchange discussing this very topic. Claire suggested this, saying: “I used to wonder who Bill Stickers was and what he had done to require posters to be put up proclaiming that he would be prosecuted!” She says, however, in her own defence, that some wag had added to some of the signs ‘Bill is Innocent’. It seems it became almost a game to spot the unadulterated signs so that Bill's innocence could be protested.

That tickled me…so I thought that, with permission of course, I’d give you the ‘straight scoop!’

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I’M IN THE TERMINAL WARD
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This is not really…well…not at all a commonly seen sign. It was, however, reasonably common at Reed College (the university I first attended in Portland Oregon) in 1985. You’d see this on dorm doors, informing any potential visitors where the occupant of that room was.

The first time I saw that sign, I thought ‘Omygod…but she seemed FINE just an hour ago’…

Turns out, the terminal ward was where the Vax and Mac COMPUTER terminals were…what a relief!

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JESUS SAVES…
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Again, let’s visit Reed College in 1985. There was a semi-organised group who took to scrawling ‘Jesus Saves’ all over the place…including in the aforementioned Terminal Ward.

Now that doesn’t sound especially amusing…until you read further. Pencilled under the words ‘Jesus Saves’ was ‘at least every seventeen minutes.’ Remember…this is in the COMPUTER room…in the days when most students used the ‘public computers’. A message of salvation had been turned into a timely reminder to save your work to disk frequently.

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CAR BOOT SALE
(And other British signs that initially confused me…and other amusements to finish)
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Yes, you all who live or come from this fair Isle know exactly what that sign means. But pity the 20 year old American girl coming the UK for the first time. She was picked up from Heathrow, and saw a sign advertising a Car Boot Sale.

Yes, I was that girl, and I couldn’t imagine what they were selling. You see, wheel clamps, in the States, are called Denver Boots…and car boots, are, of course, called trunks…so I was truly baffled.

On the same trip, I also saw a sign saying Free House. Good deal, I thought.

‘Free Range Eggs - £1.00’. How could they be both free and £1.00?

The ‘elderly people crossing’ signs tickled me no end when I first came here – that silhouette of the little bent old man and woman with their canes – how insulting, I thought. I took a picture of the sign.

In my first few days in London, I went…to some attraction…maybe it was the Tower. Whatever. I go to pay, and see the usual entrance fee sign – Adults £4.00, Children £2.00…OAP £2.00. I asked (and this is absolutely true) the person behind the glass what the heck an Oap (pronouncing it as if it were a word) was. Once I was told, again, I was astonished. Senior Citizens in the US would probably not appreciate being called Old Aged…

Well…that’s about all folks. Yes, I was…gullible. Easily confused. One might even say…stupid…and who am I to disagree.

Now – your turn. Tell me what signs confused YOU – and I’ll eventually update this to include your favourites!

Right, that was fun. Now go back to work, or Columbo (Channel 5 are showing that, apparently), or playing with your cat/child/goldfish…

Cheers,
Kate

PS - ignore the 'overall rating' and recommendation :)