* Please note: This (rant) first appeared on www.dooyoo.co.uk under my dooyoo alias of dlb74... *
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Hello everyone... Thanks for stopping by...
Now... What would I put in ROOM 101? The sort of stuff of nightmares that George Orwell himself couldn't have dreamed up. Big Brother is not watching... after reading over my list he whimpered like a little girl and is now hiding behind the couch and is refusing to come out.
The following list is not in any particular order... and is certainly not exhaustive! How much time do we have?
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MONDAY MORNINGS
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Okay - to be fair any early starts are awful - whether it be for work or otherwise (especially when you don't have the best sleep patterns in the world - like me!) but NOBODY can claim to like Monday mornings... can they?
Personally speaking, I think that Bob Geldof and the Boomtown Rats had it spot on when they announced "I don't like Mondays"... and Garfield hates Monday mornings - doesn't he? If that outlook on life is good enough for Garfield, it sure as hell is good enough for me!
(Perhaps I was being somewhat biased on this first entry as at the point of typing I had gotten into work expecting to be working a 9-5 shift and discovered I was actually working 10-6!!! That could have been a little longer in my bed, dammit!!!)
WEEKENDS WHERE YOU DON'T WIN THE LOTTO
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What more can I say about this one? I think the title above says it all. We all dream of being the lucky Lotto winner and some people even put up with watching Eamon Holmes in order to see whether or not it could be them.
Of course, if I were to ever win the Lotto then perhaps my first entry (See above) would not be so bad anymore.
NEDS / CHAVS
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This entry is a DEFINITE for room 101 (and may actually require more than one room as there are so many of them!)...
Call them what you will - depending on where you come from - they are all the same. Bloody irritating, violent social stigmata. More often than not, wearing tracksuits or shellsuits, lots of sovereign rings and other bling - and the essential Burberry accessories - from the comes-as-standard Burberry baseball cap (tilted at a bizarre angle of course) for the ned/chav to the Burberry handbag with trendy compartments for knives and Ecstasy/Temazepam tablets (or Junior Disprin and Calpol for the rookie) for the nedette/chavette.
The way they intimidate people is totally unnacceptable in today's society - or at least more should be done by the government and local authorities to hammer home this notion.
I know of people who have been hit or threatened - sometimes at knife-point by the likes of this lot. It just baffles me how anyone can lead that kind of life-style and not realise that they are a cancer in todays world.
It is just ridiculous to think that people can be intimidated and fear attack from people like this - and not just pensioners either.
You can no longer think along the lines of "Oh - but they're just kids"... In sufficient numbers, they are capable of awful things - some of which we hear about in the news from time to time.
I know I'm seriously on my soap-box about this - and perhaps they're not all as bad as they type I've mentioned above. Perhaps there comes a point or an age when they realise how they're wasting their lives - and lives of others. I wouldn't know. Perhaps for the ones who repent their sins of the chav, my Room 101 stay for them can be a temporary jail-like confinement. At least for some, this won't be a new experience to them so they should feel right at home!
Okay... rant over now.
CRAPPY "REALITY" TV SHOWS
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I don't watch a huge amount of TV - but I am still sick of "reality" shows - which are so-called entertainment.
I happened to see bits and pieces of Big Brother - mostly due to my girlfriend liking and watching it... and it was okay... in small doses. It was worth watching for Pete's tourettes (W*NKERS!!!) and Nikki acting like a total psycho!!!
The programmes I have never watched but HATE with a passion would be the likes of... *AHEM!!!* "Celebrity" Love Island. What a load of cack! How can anyone watch this mindless drivel?!? A bunch of z-list "celebs" wooing each other like hot-and-bothered pigeons down at the local park and getting off with each other. Fantastic.
Personally, I'd go with the pigeons.
There's not a great deal more I can add about this type of TV prgramme as I generally try to avoid them like the plague. Perhaps I've made my point anyway... Next, please!!!
SOAP OPERAS
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Okay... how could I resist a pop at these too? I just don't see the point in watching Soap Operas - whether it be Eastenders, Coronation Street, Hollyoaks or any of the other usual suspects.
What is the bloody point of them?!? People living mostly-dreary, day-to-day lifestyles (Going to the pub or laundrette?!? Sooooo exciting I might just need to pull on a pair of incontinence Y-fronts PRONTO!!!) with the exception of some grisly murder, incest, lesbian snog (Hmmmm... I might let them get away with that one actually!!!) etc when the ratings drop.
I'm just glad that my girlfriend is not an avid soap watcher... Thank you, sweetheart! x
MISUSE OF POLITICS AND RELIGION
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You just have to watch the news for a few minutes these days to see that the world is motivated by power and greed (I guess it has ALWAYS been that way).
In my opinion, all wars are based upon either land or more often than not - religion. I know I'm going to seriously have to over-simplify this topic as it's a whole debate unto itself - and not least of all because as someone who is not very religious at all - am not qualified to get into a huge debate about religion... or in fact politics either.
I remember a quote from Billy Connolly:
"The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one!"
How right he is!!!
It's an ugly state of affairs that smacks completely of playground banter... "My god is better than yours!" "No he's not! My God is better than yours!" "That's it! I'm telling on you... and am going to start launching missiles into your country!" What is wrong with these people?!? Are we - the ones who have no say in this the only rational ones left?!? Why is it not blatantly obvious to those in power that they are shafting the lot of us with their power-struggles?
We are all aware of our "War On Terror" (TM) - and to a point there is a justification to it as there are some very genuinely evil people out there intent on unleashing all manners of horrors on the world - which would result in the deaths of many, many innocent people. I think that policy changes to limit and even better - prevent the tit-for-tat state of affairs would be the ideal solution.
If only it were that simple in reality. In the meantime, until the big-boys who are in charge can see it this way, we'll just have to continue to slide down that downward spiral.
If this is what politics and religion are all about - then you can put it where the sun don't shine... Room 101.
PETE DOHERTY
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Everytime I see this waste of space in the newspaper, I want to choke the bloody idiot!
With his "hilarious" antics including getting absolutely mashed on all manners of drugs to squirting a syringe of his own manky blood at an MTV camera (and camera crew) during an interview, this guy needs a slap - and then some!
With his almost weekly court appearances - I suggest a new strategy get Judge Judy from the TV to oversee them. There'd be no messing with her and maybe Doherty would be in the slammer where he belongs. Stupid oxygen thief that he is!!!
ANNOYING CINEMA AUDIENCE MEMBERS
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The cinema experience just simply isn't what it once was... and I can say this as a really big film fan!
More often than not, there are members of the audience whose sole purpose of being there is not to actually watch the film but to ruin it for other people.
I used to work as a cinema usher and often wonder where the ushers are now - as they are rarely in attendance. Their purpose is to oversee the safety of the audience and to ensure that any unruly audience members are given fair warning to keep down any noise etc before being removed should they continue to be disruptive.
Sadly, there are still many examples of disruptive behaviour on display when you visit the cinema. The most common are the idiots who decide they want to go to the cinema and talk throughout the whole film!!! Other annoying occurences are someone's mobile phone ringing (and sometimes having someone idiotic enough to actually pick up their call and start talking!), the irritating fidgets and seat-kickers. I once actually even witnessed a fight break out in a cinema - when someone asked a couple of neds to stop smoking - and they objected. Did I mention that I would put neds into my Room 101?
I think that companies that release their surround sound systems for DVDs etc cannot claim that they are selling an authentic cinema experience. In order for that to be the case, an extra row of seating would have to be placed behind your couch where the obligatory arses would have to talk through your DVD and kick your seat from time to time.
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*** UPDATE!!! ***
I would like to introduce you to some new "guests" who will be staying in this hellish room... forever.
ORANGE "CUSTOMER SERVICE"
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I think Orange having the words "customer" and "service" beside each other is a bit of a contradiction in terms.
If you want to know why, have a look at my Sony Ericsson K800i review - which is definitely going to be given yet another update very soon - not so much slating the phone itself - which would be fantastic *if* it worked - but as the Orange software that runs the phone is bloody crap beyond belief, it's a nightmare!
IDIOTS ON EBAY
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Dishonest arses on ebay have suddenly become a huge downer for me... from someone in America stating that they never received the item I sent them and causing me all manners of grief - and ultimately painting me into a corner when the only option open to me was to give him a full refund depite me having a disclaimer that states I am NOT responsible for items lost or damaged in transit... I bet the swine received the item too and was lying his sorry arse off about not receiving it.
Also had a buyer from Germany now who claims a DVD I sent him arrived "scratched"... Despite the afore-mentioned disclaimer, I advised if he sent back the DVD, I would give him a full refund. What an arse I was for saying that... The "scratch" turned out be a CRACK - where the disc is a hairs-breadth away from being split in two... Let's put it this way - there was not even a scratch on that disc when I sent it to the guy... I never sell anything on ebay that I wouldn't be happy to receive myself... Lying German swine... I just won't mention the war!!!
*** End of rant ***
*** Update (and start of another mini-rant) ***
The situation with the German guy followed the pattern of the situation with the American. When he too went to paypal and forced a refund... It was only £8.50 but for me it's a question of morals and I feel ripped off in that sense mainly.
AAAAARRRRGGGHH!!!!!!!!
I feel better now.
Time now to close the door on the awful inhabitants of this wretched and awful room. Enforcing their diet of Jacob's Cream Crackers and After Eight mints... Not because they either like them or that these foodstuffs are beneficial to them... but because they're the only things we can slip under the crack at the bottom of the door without having to open it to look at the F*CKERS!!! Har har har!!!
Goodbye, everybody! Goodbye!!!
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Well... I think that's enough ranting for the time-being. Who knows? I may realise there's loads of things missing from this list and edit it at a later date - so look back from time to time!
But for the moment, thanks again for reading this!
Please can I use rooms 101 - 110? Updated! 
