What I'd put in room 101

I have read a few of these lists of things people would put into 'Room 101' and it, obviously, lead me to think about what things really get my back up.

Now, as the title suggests, there are a number of things that are guaranteed to have me hopping mad (and I don't like exercise, as a rule). But, since one of the things is reviews that are unnecessarily long, I thought I'd better narrow it down to the three things that will result in steam coming out of my ears whilst I'm hopping up and down like a lunatic.

Supermarket shopping at the weekend

Why anyone would put themselves through what can only be described as torture of the highest order is beyond me. Granted, I'm lucky enough (and I use that term loosely) to be able to visit the wonder that is Tesco during the week, so it's easy for me to say, but even so I'd starve before I shopped at the weekend. I did it once and I'm still in therapy.

I don't think it was the driving round and round and round and round the car park (eventually getting out and moving a trolley that someone had kindly left across two spaces) that did it. I don't even think it was the lovely young lady in the Kappa tracksuit who kept ramming, what I can only hope was her little sisters, pushchair into my back whilst yelling at young Formica-Sue to 'stop f***king messing around with the pregnancy tests' (oh the irony!).

Nope, it wasn't any of these delightful things that did it, it was the group of elderly ladies that decided the best place to have their weekly gossiping session was in front of the milk. It's the last thing on the list I need. The only thing between me and the comfort and safety of anywhere but here. I politely say 'excuse me'. Nothing. I try a little louder. Nothing. I edge my way through the group to the last pint of semi-skimmed, nudging one of the aforementioned ladies accidently (honestly) as I pass and am rewarded with the dirtiest look and loudest tut you've ever heard and then they all shuffle off, grumbling about the youth of today. Grrrrr.

Double Negatives - 'Don't never do it'

As a former linguist student, it genuinely pains me to see people using the English language incorrectly. I've read people before condemning bad spelling (don't even get me started on d-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y) and terrible grammar to Room 101, but my personal bugbear is the double negative.

The most popular use of it is with the phrase 'I ain't doing nothing'. OK, I'm a reasonable woman, I'll let 'ain't' go, but don't you realise that, with this very sentence, you are pleading guilty to whatever it was you thought you were denying in the first place? If you are not doing nothing, then you are actually doing something.

If you don't believe me, simply copy and paste this paragraph into a word document and see the little green squiggle appear under the word nothing. Case closed!

My Sister Is Having My Dog's Baby!

The final thing that I would send to the back of beyond (or in this case Room 101) is actually a person. Jeremy Kyle (or vile, as is more appropriate) is the biggest waste of space that this country has ever produced. He's patronising, arrogant and has less than no talent.

It isn't just him either that gets my back up; it's everything he stands for or represents. It's the claim-culture-blame-everybody-else-becau​se-it's-be tter-than-taking-responsibilty attitude that he makes people think is acceptable that I hate as much as him. He sits on his stupid step, in his stupid studio, pulling faces at his guests as if they disgust him, whilst he's secretly rubbing his hands in glee.

I can't understand why anyone actually goes on the show. If someone called me saying they were from the Jeremy Kyle show, I'd put the phone down, change my number and cut off my own hand to prevent me from ever being able to answer the phone again, just in case. I'm a complete pacifist, but if I ever had the misfortune of walking past Jeremy Kyle in the street, I think I'd have to poke him in the eye at the very least!

Phew, that was very therapeutic - for me anyway! But still, rant over - you can go back to reading more pleasant reviews now. Thanks for reading!