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What's in my bag?

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Bag and baggage

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5 Nov 6th, 2004  (Oct 11th, 2009)

203 Ciao members have rated this review on average: very helpful

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I don't have one

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I don't have one

Recommendable Yes:

torr

torr

About me:

Ah, maybe the critcism of the new design/system is being noticed after all. Paragraph spaces have ...

Member since:29.08.2002

Reviews:270

Members who trust:795

While awaiting inspiration for a new review, I remembered that this one was overdue for an update. Although I rewrote it a year or so ago for Dooyoo, to include selected items from handbag reviews posted over there, I never got round to revising the Ciao version. So here it is. All the articles mentioned appeared in reviews by women on one site or the other.

*


What have I in my handbag?
I mustn't tell you lies;
In truth the only bags I own
Are those beneath my eyes.

You don't need special insight,
No expertise in rockets,
To guess that, being just a man,
I keep stuff in my pockets.

But if I now said: "Nothing!
So there, and that’s your lot!"
You might not feel satisfied
And rate this Helpful – Not.

*

In any case, the subject
Has made me realise how
Much women carry in their bags -
On Dooyoo as on Ciao.

Just read the lists they've posted;
They might make your eyes pop,
Bring gasps from deep within your throat,
And cause your jaw to drop.

It's not just keys and hankies,
Small change and credit cards;
Not so much "handbags" one might say
As "portable lumberyards".

Purses abound in every shade:
Black; brown from YSL;
One, blue, has a pink butterfly
Or had till off it fell.

There's lipstick and mascara -
Warpaint of every kind -
A mobile beauty parlour full,
With nothing left behind.

"Hairbrush because I'd lost my comb";
"Comb which I thought I'd lost";
"A bottle of 'Red Door' Perfume."
To this there's no riposte!

Plasters, medication
And antiseptic cream,
Pills to arouse or make one sleep,
Perchance to make one dream.

Appointment cards for dentists,
Repeat prescriptions too,
Tampons, urine samples,
And bottles of shampoo.

"Sunbed accelerator cream",
(With which one should wear goggles)
And "personal product, private" -
The imagination boggles!

Sunglasses, contact lenses
With full eye-test report
And specs and glasses cleaners,
Plus torch as last resort.

"Pens/Pencils/Rubber/Ruler"
Some unmatched pentops too
Staplers and calculators,
And squashed-out tubes of glue.

There's mobile phone and diary,
Scissors, adhesive tape,
Blank envelopes and post-it notes,
Alarms (to deter rape).

Disposable types of camera -
As yet not thrown away -
And batteries and adaptor plugs
For use on holiday.

CDs and books and tape cassettes,
French Dictionary and bible.
"Pinocchio read-along storybook" -
It's true; no hint of libel.

Soft toys depicting Winnie Pooh,
Conkers and lucky charms,
And there's "a cuddly penguin"
To comfort babes in arms.

"A picture print thing of a moose",
And one of J Timberlake,
Cigarettes and chewing-gum
Enough to make jaws ache.

"Four sachets of tomato sauce",
(To smear on one's French fries?)
"A flat bag of prawn cocktail crisps",
And even a dead fly.

A teabag and a breakfast bar,
Bananas, chewy sweets,
An empty Werthers wrapper
And many suchlike treats.

A plastic knife and fruit knife,
A corkscrew ("gift from fella")
A "QVC ring sizer",
Earrings and umbrella.

"A pair of knickers and a skirt"
A "bobble for hair, and clips,"
A bra strap and a safety pin,
A button and a zip.

A sewing kit for all of those
And gloves in various shades -
One pair in soft cream leather
Another in black suede.

An aerosol of glitter spray,
For Halloween attire,
An "object - unidentified" -
Don't ask, still less enquire.

*

So what you might expect to find
In kitchen, den or garage,
Nursery and bathroom is
All lugged around as baggage.

You shouldn't call it just a bag,
More of a house with straps;
But no matter what it's called,
It's quite beyond us chaps.

No wonder that we can't keep up,
No pocket could contain
Such an array of weaponry,
Nor could we stand the strain.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Alternative version in haiku form:

Here's a review from
A man debagged. Handbags help
Women wear the pants.

© torr; first published in its original form, November 2004


 

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Comments about this review »

kingfisher111 02.11.2009 22:22

very entertaining - I loved reading this

Meggysmum 02.11.2009 12:00

That has made me smile this morning, thankyou. Sometimes I think men get married so they have someone to carry their stuff! I used to have a huge handbag but I downsized and now everyone gets to carry their own junk rather than dumping it on me!

Praski 29.10.2009 23:30

I'm not mad on bags to be honest but I always was a Tom Boy. Super review and actually a lot of thought gone into that piece of work.



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