X Factor (2005)

What a wonderful year for Steve Brookstein. He won the new ITV talent show 'The X-Factor', went on to record a dazzling series of number one singles and an astonishing album which had the critics salivating ("Forget Sgt. Peppers! If there is an album released in my lifetime that beats this one, I'll eat my hat" - NME) and remained in the number one spot for a world record two hundred and eighty seven weeks.

In a parallel ...
...of 'The X-Factor', certainly had a number one hit (with a dodgy cover of a dodgy Phil Collins number - a recipe for disaster in the making, surely), but then disappeared into thin air, as though he never existed. He was last heard of playing football for the 'celebrity' side in Sky One's 'The Match'. He has fallen victim to the age-old curse of the Reality/Talent Show, a curse which has brought down Hear'Say, Gareth Gates, One True Voice and Michelle ... more

What a wonderful year for Steve Brookstein. He won the new ITV talent show 'The X-Factor', went on to record a dazzling series of number one singles and an astonishing album which had the critics salivating ("Forget Sgt. Peppers! If there is an album released in my lifetime that beats this one, I'll eat my hat" - NME) and remained in the number one spot for a world record two hundred and eighty seven weeks.

In a parallel universe, perhaps.

In reality, Steve Brookstein, winner of 'The X-Factor', certainly had a number one hit (with a dodgy cover of a dodgy Phil Collins number - a recipe for disaster in the making, surely), but then disappeared into thin air, as though he never existed. He was last heard of playing football for the 'celebrity' side in Sky One's 'The Match'. He has fallen victim to the age-old curse of the Reality/Talent Show, a curse which has brought down Hear'Say, Gareth Gates, One True Voice and Michelle McManus (who was last seen on an 'You Are What You Eat' special edition with poo specialist Gillian McKeith). While the odd hit does emerge, like the riot in mummy's make-up box that is Girls Aloud or the increasingly leftfield Will Young (in a subtle sense), by and large the process does more harm than it does good.

And then there's the old debate over the artistic integrity of shows like this. "It's destroying music!", cry the purists. There may be some truth in that, but what the heck, it sure makes for great television, and that's what we all want, right? Well, probably not, but you have to admit that these talent-slash-reality TV shows do have a certain appeal that makes them rather addictive.

The magic… the 'X-Factor', if you will (ha!)… is in the early rounds, you see. Those magical, magical early rounds which see judges Simon Cowell, Sharon Osbourne and wee Louis Walsh traipse across the country in an effort to discover the nation's new singing sensation. And they come across all manner of beasts, fair and foul. There must be something about the audition process that acts like some form of giant freak magnet, pulling in all sorts of crazies from across the length and breadth of Britannia. From the original 'Popstars', through to 'Pop Idol', 'Popstars: The Rivals' and now 'The X-Factor', there seems to be a never-ending conveyer belt of nutjobs and maniacs who are convinced that they have the talent, the looks and the personality designed for fame. Even the Americans are at it now, thanks to Cowell exporting the 'Pop Idol' series overseas, as it mutated into 'American Idol', and given that there is even more space in the United States than the United Kingdom for aforementioned crazies to dwell, the freak-factor has been even more extraordinary.

But anyway, I digress. The premise is thus. Two of the music industry's biggest names, along with Louis Walsh (double ha!), scour the nation looking for 'the next big thing'. Simon Cowell has a proven track record as a record company executive, although many of his artists have breached the bad taste-ometer, having brought us the dire Robson & Jerome and the Teletubbies No. 1 single. Still, you can't fault his success at spotting a gap in the market. Then there is Sharon Osbourne, the wife of legendary rocker Ozzy, frontman of Black Sabbath, who has been Ozzy's manager and… actually, I don't know what else Sharon Osbourne has done, other than be the face of ASDA, hardly a glittering addition to the ol' curriculum vitae. Making up the numbers on the judging panel is the often frustrating, rather irritating Louis Walsh, who did something or other with Westlife and Girls Aloud…

The show is built upon the interaction between the three judges. In the first series we had Sharon pouring a glass of water over Simon's head after she took umbrage with a comment he made after a rather pathetic performance, while this season Louis found that it was his turn to be soaked in CO2, after Sharon took exception to his belittling of a teenage girl*. The squabbling between the judges can seem forced and there for the cameras but equally it can come across as genuine, most notably the fact that Simon and Louis aren't particularly fond of each other and make no real attempt to hide it.

So that's the first round, the open auditions. Unlike previous shows, the X-Factor is open to absolutely everybody, people of all ages, shapes and sizes, and this has only broadened the scope of crazies who have made their way through security to perform for Cowell, Osbourne and Walsh. Notable crazies this year have included the farmer who auditioned twice, once as a man and once as a woman (and, bizarrely enough, he got through), man who claimed that he had the re-incarnated voice of John Lennon, the man with the crazy eyes who gave an alarming rendition of Jet's 'Are You Gonna Be My Girl?' and a woman with a voice so hoarse it would make Bonnie Tyler envious. The contestants are divided into three groups: the under 25's, the over 25's and the groups, 25 being some kind of benchmark, presumably, that if you are lucky enough to be under it you are still considered young and career-worthy, if over it, your days are numbered. Strange.

The judges whittle the public down to a manageable amount, which must take some endurance. Saying that, I can think of no better job that being a talent judge on the X-Factor. What an enjoyable way to spend the day, laughing at people on day release from the mental institution attempting to prove to you that they have 'the x-factor' needed for stardom. And what's so amazing is that these people find it hard to take when they are rejected! The sheer disbelief of some of these people is frightening, that they consider themselves talented despite three wizened sages of the music industry telling them that they are, frankly, hopeless. One such funny moment was when some tubby end-of-Blackpool-pier duo found their refusal hard to stomach, with the man saying to his sweet 'Dellurgh' (that'd be Della) "No Dellurgh, we're not leavin' til they put us through".

Having sifted through thousands of performances and put through an amount to the next round, the judges are then assigned a category which they are to look after for the duration of the competition. Simon Cowell insisted that the one category he didn't want was the groups, and we saw several scenes of Cowell virtually pleading with the Lord above not to force the groups upon him, due to the weakness of the category. Unfortunately, the good Lord (or, rather, the X-Factor's wicked producers) deigned not to grant poor Simon's wishes, and he found himself as caretaker of the groups. Sharon Osbourne got the over 25's, while the under 25's, arguably those most likely to have a decent career, found themselves under the stewardship of wee Louis Walsh. One of the show's best moments was when a clearly gutted Simon Cowell insisted to his fellow judges that he was delighted with the category he was assigned with, only to see him later announce it was 'the worst possible scenario' during the limousine ride home.

From that point it is onto Boot Camp, where the men are sorted from the boys, so to speak. The premise of Boot Camp is that the very good are separated from the just plain good, with a fine toothcomb needed to root out any potential crazies who may have slipped the net. Cowell, Osbourne and Walsh refine and refine until they have their 'top seven', which is in turn slimmed down to a 'top four', which they then take onto the live shows. I have no shame in admitting that this made me cry. Yes, I am a big softie at heart, beneath this cold and calm exterior beats a warm heart, I assure you. Seeing little James (who I had earmarked as a potential future Michael Jackson, minus, of course, the alleged paedophilia and race-swapping) fail to make Louis Walsh's final four, when I thought he was a dead cert to get in, wrenched at the ol' heartstrings, though the departure of Trevor, while emotional, was more predictable, as there aren't many big music stars with glasses, acne, a thick working class accent and a collection of sovereign rings.

The last programme before the live shows, the slimming down of the final seven to the final five, made for deeply emotional television, if you like that kind of mush (I love it). As dreams were made, and others dreams were shattered, the worst part was watching the contestants go home and tell their families that they either made the grade or didn't. There was the predictable shrug of the shoulders and pretence at disappointment from the contestants who hadn't made it through, only for them to reveal that yes, they were through, while for the likes of James, Trevor, and a few more (unremarkable, it must be said) contestants, the upset of the contestants and their families was rather visible.

And then it all becomes a little bit dull. The live shows entail a performance by each hopeful, barbed comments and catty remarks from the judges, and a slightly over-enthusiastic anchoring job by the lovely Kate Thornton, who never seems to take a breath and makes every announcement as though it was the most important news you were hearing in your life, quite clearly a student of the Davina McCall School Of Presenting.

And what of the contestants? Here is a quick scoop on who's who this year…

UNDER 25's
Shayne
A favourite with the ladies, the curiously spelled Shayne is a big hit with the ladies and his rendition of a Daniel Bedingfield number in the second live show was one of the highlights.

Nicholas
Nicholas, 19, is a soul man with the potential to do well, having successfully tackled difficult Marvin Gaye and Al Green material in the live shows, but does seem a little wooden and is lacking in charisma. Still, charisma is an ingredient that seems to be surgically injected into a performer these days, so he may go far...

Phillip (voted out)
21-year-old Phillip lacked the confidence of Shayne and Nicholas, Louis Walsh's two other male protégés and was voted out in the third live show after a string of bizarre performances. Still, he could but hold a tune and has something of Rick Astley about him. His version of Bette Midler's 'Wind Beneath My Wings' was unequivocally awful (as rightly pointed out by Simon Cowell), and he followed it up in the third live show with a wooden rendition of 'Johnny B. Goode'. Exit Phillip.

Chenai
Chenai tried and failed last year and has come back even more determined. She's a rather characterless contestant and doesn't have the necessary chutzpah to make the grade, and seems to spend all her time crying.

OVER 25's
Maria
Has a certain Jamelia-type appeal to her, and Simon Cowell certainly likes her. May not win the contest, but she has a great voice and is yet to put a foot wrong.

Andy
41-year-old binman Andy Abraham is the working class hero of the X-Factor. He has a truly amazing voice and in the first live show he gave an electrifying version of a ballad of some sort (slap on the wrists for lack of research, Ryan!).

Brenda
Big and bubbly, Brenda is likeable, but unlikely to win. She auditioned as an afterthought, as she was honeymooning in Dublin with her new husband, who prompted her to have a go. Won't have a career in music, but will make for some entertaining moments.

Chico
The most mystifying contestant to make it through to the live shows, Chico is a born entertainer but utterly talentless and unable to hold a tune, and has been saved from the chop by the judges on consecutive occasions now. He used to be a model in The Sun's 'Dear Jane' photo casebook, you know. Quite why Sharon put him through is a mystery. But he's memorable. One hit wonder potential.

GROUPS
Addictiv Ladies (voted out)
Addictiv Ladies were a four-piece girl group who had sass and enthusiasm, and had the potential to be marketed as Britain's answer to Destiny's Child. Unfortunately, what they had in sass and enthusiasm, they lacked in talent and they were booted off in the first live show.

4Tune (voted out)
They had good voices, but ultimately, 4Tune were really rather bland. There isn't a market for the traditional boyband anymore, now that the likes of Busted and McFly have added guitars into the mix, for better or worse. 4Tune failed to charm the British public and were evicted on the second show.

Journey South
Two brothers who have been gigging it in working men's clubs for ten years, Journey South made a welcome (and deserved) addition to the live shows. With an honest, earnest feel, and a slight rootsy Bryan Adams feel to them (not my taste in music at all, I must admit, however), they have the potential for success and have a likeability factor that is hard to deny.

The Conway Sisters
Hailing from Sligo in Ireland, the Conway Sisters are a rather lame Corrs rip-off. The news has obviously been slow to reach Ireland that the Corrs went out of fashion years ago (if they were ever 'in'), and their homely 'aww shucks' routine is rather grating and extremely dated. Future duet with Bernie Nolan a strong possibility.

The performers take it in turn to do their thing, usually singing badly dated material which does their voices no justice at all (the worst was Louis Walsh's selection of 'Wind Beneath My Wings' for Phillip, the most under-whelming of his contestants), and then the great British public have their say, voting for their favourites. The two lowest-scoring performers are then put up before the three judges who have to decide who they will save and who will be cut (not literally, of course, that would be a rather brutal punishment for singing a song out of tune). Naturally, the judges will almost always side with their own artists when it comes down to the crunch, leaving one judge with a lot of agonising and pulling of hair, and while Simon and Louis seem able to come up with a decision, the so-called Queen of Darkness, Sharon Osbourne, is the one who engages in the most histrionics and dramatics as she agonises to make her decision. It makes for good television, if a little synthetic, though Sharon had increasingly looked like the spare part this series, what with Simon and Louis arguing on a weekly basis.

And that's that. The contestant is kicked off, never to be seen again (apart from the joys of the X-Factor Roadshow!) and the others continue to duke it out to be the next Steve Brookstein. Or something like that. Of course, the chances of one of the contestants having a successful career in the industry is very, very slim, and the show does seem more geared as an ego project for the three judges, around whom the show very much revolves. But, hard as one may try to dislike the show, and there are many reasons to dislike it, it is extremely watchable and compulsive television.

Excuse me now while I go and hang my head in shame.

'The X-Factor' airs every Saturday night around the 6:00 p.m. slot, although its slot has been known to change due to other programmes, so keep your eyes peeled.

*As a sidenote, the teenage girl who Louis belittled provided one of the most subtly amusing X-Factor moments. Prior to the girl doing her bit before the judges, her pushy mother, quite obviously desperate to force her own lack of success onto her daughter (Pushy Parent Syndrome), informed presenter Kate Thornton that her sprog 'not only had the X-Factor, she is the X-Factor', a bizarre statement which made precious little sense, but to her ears I am sure it made sense. The rest is history, the girl went in, was cut to pieces by Louis, escorted out of the audition room by Sharon (who subsequently doused Louis with water), and then the girl went crying back to her mother, who was rather adamant that 'she can sing, of course she can sing', when the entire viewing public had bore witness to the fact that her daughter was completely tone deaf. 

...less