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I’m skint, so I decided to enter this month’s competition. £20 prize for writing the winning magazine review sounds good, especially when my earnings for more than 300 hours on ciao still haven’t hit the ten quid mark. Although the chances of me winning are equal to Madonna inviting me into her bed, I had to give it a go. So off to the newsagent to find a magazine to write about.
Being a guy of class, quality, breeding, upbringing and charm, it had to be a men’s magazine. So I began by scanning the top shelf. There were loads to choose from with various appealing headlines to entice the reader.
‘Is Jordon any good in bed,’ read one. Hmmmm, interesting, but had a dicky fit when I saw the price tag of £3.50. I would want to find out personally if she was any good in bed for £3.50, so down to the lower price section.
‘Zoo’ caught my eye. Not because of the headline of ‘Jodie talks dirty to Jordan,’ or for the ‘Free sex mag inside’. It was the price of 50 pence that lured me to this one. As there was a naked picture of Jordan and Jodie on the front, I also had to buy a Disney comic for my niece to ‘hide’ Zoo from the prying eyes of the others in the queue at the check out.
THE MAGAZINE – ZOO *********************
A glossy, all colour magazine along the lines of ‘Loaded’ and ‘FHM,’ although I expected this to be a ‘cheaper’ version. Having a very quick 5-second flick through, I caught sight of various bits of female flesh, so already it was a winner in my eyes. Issue number 29 has 109 pages and is advertised as the biggest men’s weekly magazine. The paper is reasonable quality, as are the pictures. There are various regular sections as well as well as special features, so I will take you through the important bits.
REGULAR FEATURES ********************
Regular sections are similar to most magazines in the ‘Men’s’ category. Amongst these are Jokes, Pub Quiz and letters. None of these sections were stunning in content, but worth a read all the same.
SPORT CONTENT ****************
Quite a lot of sport really, ranging from the inevitable footy, to boxing and athletics. None of it was ground breaking or shocking, but interesting. Topically there were two items relating to the Olympics. One was about an Olympic drugs scandal; the other was entitled ‘Gold Medal Babes’. I think the second one is self-explanatory.
Scattered throughout this publication are various news sections. To get the feeling of types of news, there is a two page bit entitled ‘Big Brother 5 – The best bits’.
FEATURES ********** The features in this week’s addition include Jodie Marsh giving sex advice to Jordan!! Others were an interview with Jenson Button the Grand Prix driver and with Danny Williams, the bloke who knocked out Mike Tyson.
There are review sections on things such as Music, Movies and Games.
TV GUIDE *********
I can find TV listings on the TV, on the internet, in the daily papers, in the local papers and the countless TV papers that are now on sale. I do not need a 23 page section in a magazine like this. This is the only real negative for the magazine. Having said that I did enjoy the quote for ‘Platoon’, the Vietnam War movie. ‘The Yanks invade a third world country, wipe out half the natives and then take a spanking from the other half’. How true!
‘FREE SEX MAGAZINE!’ **********************
They conned me, there was no free sex magazine inside. As part of the magazine, there was an 8-page section called ‘Zoo Uncensored’. The highlights of this ‘free mag’ are Jodies question page, where some knobhead asks, ‘how do you feel about having sex while you are on the blob?’ Another big highlight is ‘Mo’s sex question time.’ Your sex questions answered by the former cabinet minister Mo Mowlem. So, I was not too impressed with my freebie.
ADVERTISING ************* This is where this magazine really scores. There are only 10 full page adds, and very little else. One of these is a double page spread for ‘Rustler quarter pounder’, but the main pic is of a tidy babe in a bikini top. Another is for ‘Kill Bill 2,’ and once again the main picture is of the very lovely Uma Thurman. Then there is the usual selection of ring tone ads and smutty phone lines ads.
FOR THE LADIES ****************
There is very little for the ladies, except for the ‘guy pics’ in the movie reviews. There is a picture of a fat naked Viking with 58 kilogram weight hanging from his willy, but I doubt that would attract much female interest.
Us men buy these magazines for the babes, don’t we? So I will go into a little more detail about the babe content. There are approx 90 pictures featuring attractive women. Apart from Jodie Marsh and the jugged nemesis, Jordan, I had not heard of many of them. Most I would class as tidy totty, and there were no real mingers. There was a respectable 34 pics of girls in either bikini tops or bras. The cleavage count was a lowly 9. Nipples on display was a disappointing 11, and some of these weren’t too clear. Stockings and suspenders was a disgraceful 1, unless you count 3 pictures with girls in hold ups, which I don’t.
OVERALL CONTENT *******************
Overall I enjoyed reading this magazine. As well as the items listed above, there was other smaller sections too numerous to mention. Not quite as professional as ‘Loaded’ or FHM’, but a damn site cheaper, and nowhere near as many boring advertisements. I would suspect you could pass a pleasant hour reading this, and have a laugh into the bargain. And speaking of bargains, this was brilliant value at 50 p, and for a change, you get to see Jordan with her tits out.
A very thorough review, you obviously put a lot of research in with this magazine! ; )
phucco 29.08.2004 18:20
Great review, i like the "cleavage count" stats personally :D
teacherofhooch 24.08.2004 22:09
Zoo? What an unusual name. I don't think you could expect too much for 50p and few adverts they would be working on a shoe string or perhaps one suspender!
I must remember not to buy this when I am looking for magazines about animals.