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After completing this and thinking that I was lucky that the world hadn't come to an abrupt halt I furtively searched backdated issues of this review in a bid to understand its source and the reason why the questions were so badly worded…upon finding the answer in a previous review by Garleon I decided to leave my initial answers well alone…after all, why tinker with something that's a little bent up but not broken…so don't penalise on the spelling!
The original challenge was set by "nadou" and to quote her initial review… "This is my first review in ciao uk (I have made 81 reviews in ciao France). I'm a French girl and I decided to begin the adventure of made review in English. Hope you enjoy this one which are very successful in ciao France. Its name is : Reveals yourself in 100 questions…Please, do not hesitate to correct me, I want to perfect my English. Thanks per advance."
1 - First Names:
2 - Pseudo(s)? Tez, Tezza, Tel, El-Tel, TJ, Taz (still got the Tattoo), Bishop (Fathers fault), Bish-Bash (and again), Dice, D1ceman (ghost of ciao past), Dudo_Perudo and NPD (see below).
3 - Girl or boy?
Last time I checked I couldn't be sure but after gaining a third, fourth and fifth opinion from passers by on the street I was summarily locked away against my will and labelled as the archetypal representation of a narcissistic personality disordered individual….after researching my new found status I then adopted a number of the pre-ordained characteristics associated with borderline personality disorders and was instantly released back into society and offered the position of Foreign Secretary within the Labour Government…but returning to the question… about 40 minutes at gas mark 7 should do it…
4 - Towns? (Birthplace and living town)
Born in an Anglo-Saxon town known in the 9th Century (according to Dane-law) as Tilchestune…a place that is now recognised for spawning Robert Lindsay (Wolfie Smith of the Tooting Popular Front), for providing a mass of minimum wage employees for the tat excuse for a theme park called 'The American Adventure,' for a god - awful dialect which has been published a number of times under the title "ey up mi duck" and for its faith in the British Nationalist Party…and where do I live now…anywhere as long as it's not the town once called Tilchestune.
5 - Size?
Huge! Unfortunately, in all the wrong places and quickly going down hill fast but quitting the evil weed does that to a man, but no worries all is in hand (metaphorically speaking). I vow to start the exercise regime with all the money I have saved from quitting as soon as I can free up the money currently being spent on patches, gum, lozenges, inhalers and tabs.
6 - Age?
As they say…you are as old as the woman that you feel……. Nah too easy…. In Dog years, I am just over 5 with my next Birthday in just under 6 human years time with one big party promising to be a blinder with all the Pedigree Chum and Bonio's you can chomp down on.
7 - Colour of hair?
Initially dark blonde, then light brown, then brown, then red, then blue, then black, then white, then back to black again after someone commented that I looked like that bloke out of Chumbawumba who shouts "I get knocked down but I get up again"…then babies…then Brown with a slight flash of silver grey (the silver bit only applies though when I am deliriously hammered and cannot cope with the fact that my hair is slowly but surely slipping into the colour domain of 'pepper'.)
8 - Colour of the eyes?
Now you think Paul Newman's eyes are a startlingly vivid blue…well when you see mine your opinion of his eye colouration will be further reinforced…so they're Blue…but not as Blue as Newman's though…my Bar-B-Que Chicken Sauce isn't as good as Newman's either…nor my ability to act…damn him, he even looks good in plaid!
9 - Employment / current occupation?
I work in health and, fortunately for all concerned, am not required to wear my underwear on the outside though the benefits of such an act are many fold including answering the question that many ladies often ask themselves, and each other, whilst doing lunch being "Do you think he's a boxer shorts, Briefs or Y-Front Man?"
10- Astrological and Chinese sign:
Full of Bull…and I am a Dog…and they say there it's all a bunch of mumbo-jumbo fiddle-dee-dee.
11 - I like/love?
Yes I do like love, but I also am quite partial to:
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens Brown paper packages tied up with strings….
OK cheesy Sound of Music lyrics aside….
- My better half…she should be made a Saint. - People that think before they speak/write…a trait I often fall short of holding onto after a couple of Jamesons. - My kids, both known to me and yet to be made known to me (see statement above for this is bound to rear up and bite me on the rear end at some point). - Flash cars…that have broken down at the side of the road. - Music, words, stories that challenge me and don't rely on formulaic tick boxes to gain attention. - Princess Leia. - People I can trust who can't throw me great distances when I let them down. - The statement "I can't catch my breath me."
12 - I don't like?
- People who say "You know what I'm saying?" or "You know what I mean?" - People who pretend they know what you're saying by saying "I know what you're saying" when in reality they don't have the foggiest.
- Dialectically challenging rhymes such as: Whether the weather is cold, Whether the weather is hot, Weather the weather whatever the weather, Whether you like it or not."
- Catalogue men pointing into the distance and grinning whilst only wearing their underpants.
- People that can belch the alphabet because I can't!
- People who walk around with toothpicks/matches/bits of twig/wood/logs/furniture in their teeth…if it's not for eating then take it out your mouth.
- Clowns who go out shopping during the busiest periods with no consideration for the damage they may inflict with their over-sized feet.
- Youths that play their music on the mobile phone speakers so everyone has to suffer it…I think we should start a pledge where
Pictures of reveals yourself in 100 questions...
Circle of life
people of all ages sit on the top decks of buses and play Simon and Garfunkel tracks whenever there's a whiff of Run Daddy DMC A-Go-Go-Goch about to be played by the hooded posies coughing their lungs up on Windsor Blue's on the first floor rear of the number 19. 13 - If you can meet one person of your choice, dead or alive, known or not, who would this be?
My Grandad on my Father's side… it transpired a few years ago that whilst my Grandma was in service at a large rather well-to do home somewhere near Hitchin, late 1939, she fell pregnant with my Father…the identity of the 'donor' has not yet emerged…but I know he, or his family weren't short of a bob or two as my Grandma gave birth in a very exclusive private nursing home in 1940 and was well financially supported until she married my 'fake' Grandad in 1941. For me this is a great relief to know that the man my Grandma married was not related to me for he was a violent and irresponsible excuse for a human being and mad as a fish to boot! I would also love to find out what my real surname is (No it's not Darcy!).
14 - What do you like to do, generally, during the weekend???
Drink…that's what I would like to do - But presently it is teach my son to ride his bike without stabilisers…it's that Father/Son trust thing that's happens. I say to him "look ahead, keep peddling, I won't let go!" He does what I say and trusts me impeccably. I then without fail always let go. He after much wobbling and a realisation that he can hear me cheering him on from the top of the hill loses all faith in his Father for the fifth time in a row and hits the dirt …It's the only way.
15 - The town/country that you want to visit or even live in?
Any place that has a clearly documented oath to not twin itself with a town once called Tilchestune.
16 - The first thing you do when you come back from school or work?
Eat the kids Gingerbread Man biscuits then blame it on the 'Biccy fairies' …problem is, I think the wife's beginning to see through the elaborate biccy scam.
17 - Style of music or radio that you prefer?
On the whole I have very eclectic tastes in relation to music.
However, when I really want to get 'jiggy with it', I often don the knee high socks, short-legged dungarees and a small green hat with a feather in the top and drag innocent passers by (a.k.a. 'The Perudo Possie') into my house and ply them with beer so we can experience the phenomena of what is known as 'Oompah.' On days with a more solemn undertone, I often opt for the Gregorian Chant or alternatively, but by no means in preference, anything by The Light house Family…either way the effect is the same.
18 - The most beautiful song, which exists for you?
Oh there are so many and for so many reasons:
'Lifted' by The Lighthouse Family - Just at the point when it finishes….Bliss.
'Smells like Teen Spirit'…the song that epitomises the beauty of 'the mosh.'
'Imagine' by John Lennon…especially having it played at my wedding at the local Parish Church with none of the church folk clicking onto the fact that the song condones the abandonment of religion and questions the existence of an after-life…Fantastic!
Gershwin's 'summertime' being raked over the coals by the whisky soaked and nicotine torn voice of Janis Joplin.
But for me, the most beautiful song has to be…'Roads' by Portishead from 'Dummy.' Absolutely breathtaking piece that conjures musical imagery for me that is both desolate, despairing and yet beyond reproach in its beauty.
19 - The singer or band that you prefer?
Impossible to state as it changes on a daily basis though funnily enough I cannot say that in respect (or lack of respect) to Robbie Williams…
Presently 'Muse' are on the 'regular play list,' but in relation to musical influence I would say David Bowie. He makes other musicians' attempts at staying ahead of the game appear contrived and clumsy…which lets face it, they mostly are.
20 - The reality TV show that you prefer?
Taking into consideration the tasks, the back-stabbing, the game-plans, the mind games and the strain endured, I would have to say 'Ballamory.'
21 - The advertising that you prefer?
The subliminal one that messes with your mind at 2am and makes you go to the 24 hour Spar located 7 miles away just so you can satisfy your sudden unexplained pang for Weetabix at the "bargain price" of £3.25 per pack of 12 biscuits alongside Greek Yoghurt with just a hint of honey and a vat of prunes ….oh! and Oatabix? Don't even start me on that one…
22 - Are you single?
Always on the morning after the late night Weetabix, yoghurt and prune sessions…but seriously, Yes…in a kind of married type of way
23 - If no, are you happy? See No. 24
24 - if yes, are you happy?
Being single, part of a couple or married doesn't have a direct causal effect on my ability to be happy or not….mostly I am happy now…but mostly I have been happy for a very long time.
25 - Have you ever known an unhappy love affair?
Does this mean have I ever experienced an unhappy love affair personally or do I know someone else who has had an unhappy love affair and made me aware of the fact? In the case of the latter…Yes…Prince Charles and Diana, my Mum and Dad, Simon and Garfunkel, Sonny and Cher, Rod, Jane and Freddy….but personally…no they have all been absolutely fantastic with break-up's in relationships always being mutually agreed and always ending on the most friendly of terms…"Flying Pigs coming in at 12 o'clock!"
26 - How many Harlequins' collection (books) do you have?
How random are these questions getting? What is the point? Where was your head at when you wrote this 100 question challenge whoever you may be?
None or more.
27 - Have you ever read "NOUS DEUX" (to make the bond with England, "Nous deux" is a tabloid)?
Aaah…I see said the blind man…a link with our French compatriots!
No…why should I. I am not French, I don't live in France, I cannot speak, read or understand much French and I can read, speak and understand English much better on the basis that I am English (I hope). 28 - The magazine that you never miss?
The one in my AK 47 set aside for people who write daft meaningless questionnaires.
29 - Your bedside book?
"How to get Horlicks out of the duvet cover which you spilled whilst trying to read this book before your better half comes to bed"
"From Twister to Tantric Bliss: A fully Illustrated Guide to Flexible Fornication" - Hold on, left a bit, put that there, I'm blind!
30 - The novel of which you would have liked to be the author?
For it's Scary insight into the future? 1984 Academically? The Catcher in the Rye Financially? The Harry Potter series
But for pure style and off the wall conceptualisation? The Diceman (surprise, surprise).
31 - Your society game (or console) favourite?
Risk (a strategic war game) - but with mandatory extras including a lunatic brother who has served in the forces and chose to do the Tour of Duty in Northern Ireland for 6 years running before getting married over there and settling down; a background soundtrack appropriate to war, death and destruction (the 1812 Overture is a much preferred option to the Nutcracker Suite), saucepans for helmets and last but certainly not least, my lucky die!
32 - The dish, which you prefer? Usually Dish of the Day because it is cheaper but failing that, anchovy and chilli pizza from the Italian restaurant situated not 200 yards from the steps of The Coliseum supplemented with a refreshingly light Pinot Grigio and home produced Italian Ice-Cream.
33 - What do you buy when you go to the faire when you are hungry?
Another badly phrased question but…The Lot.
34 - Drink preferred?
Now this always depends on company and the occasion so… Ball - Champagne Party at a friend house - Bud or Stella A romantic meal - A good Chilean Red usually does the trick. Late night cap - Single Malt whisky…nothing added…nothing take away Pub Crawl: If in a Free House then Bitter (such as IPA or Pedigree) if in a chain …Stella or 1664. Cocktail party -Dranbui and Kaluah over crushed ice.
But mostly…other people's.
35 - Colour preferred? Beige…it's the new Black you know.
36 - Fetish number?
69, 99, 11 not fussed really…numbers were never my strong point.
37 - The quotation, which you prefer?
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying." (Woody Allen)
"You are a child's play-thing!" (Woody: Toy Story)
38 - Film counterpart, which you prefer?
Peter Sellers as all the characters in Dr. Strangelove
39 - Cult movies?
For destroying the boundaries: Citizen Kane For Wardrobe: Return of the Jedi - Respect to Carrie Fisher As a Rom-Com: When Harry Met Sally As a shoot 'em up: Last Man Standing As a Horror: Grease 2 As a Thriller: Seven
But the outsatnding award to Cult Movie goes to...drum roll.... Monthy Pythons: Life Of Brian - It's probably closer to reality than any of the scriptures.
40 - Preferred series?
UK: The Good Life (Mmmmmmmm Felicity Kendall), The Young Ones (especially the University Challenge episode with Bambi Gascoigne) and Fawlty Towers…just don't mention the war!
USA: Frazier, Seinfeld, and more recently…my name is Earl
41 - Your more beautiful quality?
My hourglass figure and the ability to laugh at myself in the hall of mirrors at the fair.
42 - Your worst defect?
Being unable not to laugh at people when they use ludicrous business jargon whilst being at meetings including the statements…"Lets suck it and see"…."Lets push that pea up the hill and see how it rolls"…"Even if the process is only quick and dirty it will satisfy the bosses."
43 - Your worst nightmare?
Finding out I am the love child of Huey Green and Zsa Zsa Gabor.
44- The worst shame of your life?
Tilchestune again…or not crying when Bambi's mum gets killed by the hunters.
45 - The most beautiful thing, which one made for you by love?
My daughter makes me cards all the time which say how much she loves me….ahhhh.. makes me well up every-time.
46 - The thing of which you are proudest?
Surviving my childhood, not using my experiences as an excuse for everything that doesn't go to plan in my life and not putting my kids through the same nonsense I went through.
47 - A fairy lends his magic wand to you for a wish: what you make?
A better set of questions but failing that World Peace with Donkey Sanctuaries.
48 - The first thing you do in the morning?
Pinch myself and regret the fact that it hurts.
49 - What you think when you are not able to fall asleep the evening?
Is Sheep Number 69 really wearing hold-ups and where are my Velcro wellies?
50 - What will you bring with you on a desert island?? (5 max)?
The Fairy's wand A shrubbery A bucket and spade A horse with no name A car door so I can wind the window down when it gets too hot
51 - If you have to buy a handbook to survive, that would be which?
"Living with Delusion" by Ivor Biggun
52 - Your bedroom take fire (or is flooded, it depends of the place), what do you rescue at first?
The fire extinguisher
53 - Quelle(s) peluche(s) partagent ton lit? None since my Brother stole Rupert at the age of 7 to use as Guy Fawkes.
54 - What do you have on the wall of your bedroom???
The usual really…goats heads on burning staffs, a picture of the crying boy, the poster of the female tennis player who is scratching her bottom but is not wearing underwear, chrome sockets so that they colour co-ordinate with the steel brushed chandeliers, my Philips Streamium Wireless Music Centre Station…sweet as a nut!
55 - Pets?
We have two goldfish…one is called Big Fish which is the smallest one of the two as named by my son (aged 3) and the other is called Angel Fish…after watching Finding Nemo by my daughter (aged 5).
56 - Do you get on well with your parents?
Take a wild stab in the dark….
57 - With your brother and sister?
Brother: Now…Yes…Except for when we play Risk…although, I do remember being aged 11 and getting severe beatings (with cushions to minimise the bruising to the body) from the older Bro on regular occasions because I kept calling him a virgin…I didn't know then what it meant but the pain was worth the expression on his face with all his mates standing around and laughing…kids eh?…so cruel.
Sister: Always wish I had one of these...someone to discuss make-up tips with.
58 - Which is the cartoon which you preferred as a child?
Tom and Jerry
59 - And now?
Tom and Jerry (uncut): If they can't smoke, then how long will it be before the choking, splicing, squashing, mangling, defacing, mashing, beating, baking, frying, freezing, spiking, bludgeoning, beating and hammering is stopped?
Tom and Jerry will, in 20 years time, just consist of the title then the words "Produced by: Fred Quimby."
60 - Which is the job that you dreamed to have as a child?
A missionary…oh how times have changed!
61 - Why the lady is big of her belly?
Because she ate the designer of this questionnaire in sheer frustration at his/her inept ability to string words together to make something that had an ounce of meaning.
62 - Tell us your more beautiful memory of childhood
Leaving home at 15
63 - Were you already scandalmonger (to say evil of people behind their back)?
If 'scandalmongerish' traits are requested of me by those that pay my wages I shall say NO in a very big font to the point of full personal vindication being headlined in tabloids including everyone's favourite…Nous Deux.
64 - You have the possibility of saying your four truths to the person whom you hate more in the world, which you would say to him?
I don't have a tendency of hating people to be honest…it sounds clichéd but it is people's differences that make this world the amazing place it is…I haven't got time for hating people…I do though hate certain behaviours, certain opinions and certain expectations held by people…and when people I meet have such traits I disengage…it's that simple, life's too short.
65 - The insult, which you say more?
66 - The word or expression, which too often returns in your language?
67- Do you speak an other language than English?
Klingon with a North East Derbyshire drawl.
68 - Have you already gone in a foreign country?
I have totally gone in lots of foreign countries including France, Spain, Romania, America, Canada, Italy, Barbados to name a few…many more to go though.
69 - The area (or the place) of England, which you do prefer?
The little known place of Edale…climb, drink, watch big screen TV at the Ramblers….Bliss.
70 - You have the possibility of making the farm celebrity, do it you? So yes which activity would prefer you to make?
Errr?!?...Making hay…and I've got a brand new Combine Harvester…I'll give you the key.
71 - If one day you become hyper famous, in which field you famous you?
I prefer infamy to fame…much more kudos.
72 - What you would you buy if you won the lottery?
Serious now…I remember the struggles I had in getting to University and affording to stay at University. These days it's even harder. I'd buy houses…lots of them…and would rent them out to people who had the brains for University but not the finances. The system still works against the "have nots" unfortunately…I would love to go some way to redressing this imbalance.
73 - Where and how do you see you in 2010? In 2040?
If my life in 2010 hasn't moved on from where it is now, I will be a happy man.
By 2040? Living in a Yellow Submarine…talking to my mates John, Paul, George and Ringo about relationships and Thomas The Tank Engine whilst Brian Epstein makes a lovely cup of Darjeeling tea…where else?
74 - One makes it possible to you to use a "Stargate" (cf Stargate)
A short and brief fling with Patrick Moore.
75 - The Earth is destroyed. You have time to flee, where you go?
Would go to Alderaan to be with Princess Leia, however, rumour has it that the evil Vader is to destroy it as a cruel lesson to insurgents…so figure best place is within myself.
76 - The Earth will be destroyed. You do not have time to flee. Which is the last thing, which you make?
A "to scale" model of the Earth which explodes.
77 - How many children do you want?
How many you got and how much are they per head? Do you do a deal for bulk buys?
... I have enough…believe me!
78 - What would you call them?
What if I had the chance again? I'd call them all "Fruit of my loins 1,2,3 and 4"
79 - With which resemble you?
All of them with their one head, 2 arms, 2 legs etc…though the boys have a little more resemblance to me than the girls….its the ears.
80 - If you can change a part of your body, which one do you choose?
In 1992, in my University days I went for a bit of a personal overhaul. First, I visited the optician who noted, whilst adjusting the strange glasses that had many lenses so to test my eyesight, that he had never in his career (and he was no spring chicken) had to set the lenses so far apart. Soon after, I decided to get my nose pierced at which juncture I was told that I had extremely thick nostrils. Finally, at the hairdressers I was informed "You're really lucky you know, you have some of that dirty grey hair but it doesn't show up unless you're close to."
So no…I'm perfect in every way!
81 - You dye hair yourself. Which colour do you choose?
Just for Men Brown.
82 - If you can have a tattoo, what?? And Where??
I have a Celtic cycle of life on the left shoulder and a "Taz" on the right shoulder, Patrick Moore's name in Cantonese on my left shin, an eyeball, love heart and pair of breasts on my right shin, Marie (crossed out), Tracey (crossed out), Julie (crossed out) and Trevor (uncrossed) in Indian Blue ink on my left fore-arm and Michael Jackson on my back (re-worked 14 times).
83 - Are you beginning, intermediary or expert when it acts of Internet? Depends on who's asking and with regard to what aspect of the internet.
84 - What is there on your mouse mat?
Cheese…Wensleydale of course
85 - Which is your bottom of screen on your ordi?
Hmm…strange….you tell me.
86 - What can we find under your bed (with share the breeding of sheep) ?
How did you know about the sheep?
87 - How many times a week do you come on Internet? How many hours?
I regularly come on the internet.
88 - What do you think about the breedings virtual on Internet? (Like kochonland, dadavalley,...) ? Are you registering?
I got the chips baby if you have the hard drive………
89 - What was your resolution on the new year?
To improve my speeling.
90 - Do you do it ?
91 - The best gift that somebody offers to you?
Their trust….69 at present…lol
92 - The worst gift that somebody offers to you?
93 - Somebody offer to you a house. You choose an igloo, an Indian tipi, an African box, the same house as your parents, a farm?
None, I couldn't afford the tax on a second property.
94 - kilos to be taken? Bernard Manning uses me as his "Danger you're overweight yardstick" at the moment so due to my contract with him...None.
95 - kilos to loose?
96 - The best teacher do you have?
My kids…I learn something new everyday…one of the latest lessons I have learned is that you are never too old to be made a fool of in front of your peers.
97 - The worst teacher do you have?
My Father…he really didn't have a clue
98 - Dedication this questionnaire with somebody?
I could not bring myself to inflict this on anybody…It is sheer torture!
Interesting read. I've looked into my family tree and I'm pretty sure I've got ancestors (probably even distant living relatives) who come from round about where you're from. I had no idea that was the town's original name.
Tonster 11.01.2009 02:05
Great read x
dollydancer 23.04.2008 23:03
Excelllent review....I can imagine others being a bit on the boring side but you have put a bit of bounce into this one, good on ya X