JOHN CARPENTER'S BOLLOCKS

Advantages: It ends - mercifully
Disadvantages: It starts - regrettably

...has been altered through self-mutilation and who have no hesitation in attacking the police officers. When the commanding officer disappears, one of the squadron goes in search, and spots a crazed figure carrying what appears to be the decapitated head of the officer. From a concealed position, he watches the woman join the rest of the colony’s inhabitants behind the brow of the hill. A strange force has taken over the townsfolk – and they have been transformed into a bloodthirsty, psychotic band of warriors. Very soon, the squadron find themselves fighting for their lives, in a desperate bid to keep the warriors at bay whilst they wait for the return of the train. Little do they know that the locomotive is stuck in treacherous conditions…. You will probably all be familiar with previous John Carpenter films –...

LostWitness 03.06.2002 · Read review
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Review of John Carpenter's Ghosts Of Mars (DVD)

John Carpenter's Final Insult

Advantages: see review
Disadvantages: see review

...Ghosts of Mars(or "John Carpenter's" Ghosts of Mars as he would obviously prefer it titled) is a movie which for me at least hammers home the final nail in the coffin of one of horror's most widely respected directors. This guy has effectively done nothing which could be considered even slightly above B-movie fare since the 80s and in fact, when you think about it, the movies he is still churning out these days still resemble the 80s stuff. Halloween was a great movie, The Thing was a great movie, Escape From New York was watchable but cannibalised ideas from his previous 80s movie Escape From L.A. and these are what established him as a great director - everything he has made since screams otherwise. Ghost of Mars is a horrible piece of film making set in a matriarchal future. A mining operation on Mars unearths the aforementioned...

wampyrii 23.10.2001 · Read review
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Review of John Carpenter's Ghosts Of Mars (DVD)

A Carpenter and his Wood

Advantages: Henstridge, Some Nice Gore
Disadvantages: Looks Cheap and Dull, Some Bad Acting, Dull Villains

...If truth be told John Carpenter hasn't made a decent film for years but thanks to some cult video classics such as The Thing and Big Trouble In Little China his career still keeps on going. Ghosts of Mars is another attempt by Carpenter to remake Rio Bravo with a sci-fi element. It's 200 years into the future and a Martian police unit led by Lt. Melanie Ballard (Natasha Henstridge) is sent to a mining outpost to bring back a dangerous prisoner Desolation Williams (Ice Cube). However what they encounter is a deadly race of martian ghosts who inhabit the bodies of the miners. Cue hell on earth and a fight to escape with all body parts intact. That's pretty much it, aliens vs humans with a lot of guns, violence and bloodshed. I really wanted this film to work but sadly it is incredibly flawed and above all else dull. In fact it...

utero 06.01.2002 · Read review
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Review of John Carpenter's Ghosts Of Mars (DVD)

Vampire is as Vampire does...

Advantages: Super vampire effects
Disadvantages: The script gets a little corny at times...which is a surprise

...John Carpenter is a master of the monster, vampire horror movie. I have seen this film countless times and some of the dodgy acting aside (yes - there is just a small bit of this now and again...would vampires really go around looking like a poor mans extra from cats!?!) the story is well thought out, entertaining and appropriately gory. I am a huge fan of gore...but it has to be in all of the right places. I don't buy into gore fests with out a great plot and the first time we see gore in this film is during the celebration of the destruction of a vampire nest. The master is pissed and comes out fighting for revenge. some quick movements later and bham! Heads are rolling! There are the usual group of characters type cast to this genre..the hapless priest, fighting for good, the brave hero, who is essentially a anti hero - clearly...

excelsior81 31.07.2009 · Read review
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Review of John Carpenter's Vampires (DVD)

FREE DVDs

Advantages: Free trial, large choice, post included,new realeases
Disadvantages: see review

...I like movies and I like freebies, so when you get offered both in one swoop you?re bound to accept! I used my two week free trial with this company and remained with them for a couple of monthsbefore moving on to try many other companies free trials (and winning a new DVD player on Tesco DVD rental site on their free trial offer). I then had an email from DVDs 365 asking me to go back, and offering me a free DVD if I did so. I had just left Tesco (with my new DVD player) so I chose to go back with them. ∆◊◊ THE SERVICE THEY OFFER ∆◊◊ Basically it?s like going to a video shop and hiring films on DVD, except you don?t pay for each film you chose ? rather a monthly fee for which you can watch as many movies as you can fit in, for us this is usually around 8 a month (2 a week usually weekends...

dabmim 15.11.2004 · Read review
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Review of dvds365.com

A New Breed Of Evil.

Advantages: James Woods, Thomas Ian Griffith, Daniel Baldwin
Disadvantages: Vampires !!

...John Carpenters Vampires..... Just the name sets the hair on the back of my neck standing up...... It's one of those films that makes my backside want to chew my underwear with fear...... Based on the novel by John Steakley (how apt), this is a tale of Vampires and Slayers. Nothing can prepare you for the events unfolding before your eyes. Buffy is tame compared to Jack Crow, Master Vampire Slayer, and Leader of Team Crow. Brilliantly portrayed by James Woods, Crow was brought up by the Catholic Church to hunt and kill Vampires..... Maximilian Schell portrays The Cardinal, by whom Crow was brought up and looked after...... Valek (Thomas Ian Griffith), Master vampire, and leader of the undead, is searching for something, a cross, a certain cross......... Jack Crow, Vampire Slayer, wants to know why..... Team Crow is almost...

Aussieme1106 14.09.2005 · Read review
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Review of John Carpenter's Vampires (DVD)

When I was beating you up padre, did you get wood?

Advantages: Great movie
Disadvantages: Some slow parts, targeted at a specific audience

...Another incredible movie for any Vampire lovers out there. In John Carpenter's Vampires Jack Crow (Woods) the best Vampire hunter in the business takes the fight to the Vampire race hard. The story is pretty well thought out and there's never anywhere where you'll be struggling to follow however even though I love this movie, I must admit there are some dull moments. The movie opens on a broken down old house out in a desert area. It appears to be afternoon and a team of well trained, well co-ordinated Catholic Church funded Vampire hunters are readying themselves for a day of Vampire 'roasting.' The team move in on the house and in no time have killed over a dozen Vampires, taking their skulls as trophies; however Woods is unhappy, he is troubled that the master was not among the dead, a master rarely leaves a new nest apparently...

vampiresthirst 08.05.2007 · Read review
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Review of John Carpenter's Vampires (DVD)

Bad enough to make grown men cry

Advantages: Good fun if you are dead from the neck up
Disadvantages: It is one seriously bad film

..., Desolation Williams. Coming across as Mr T?s wimpy little brother rather than a mean killer. Cubes performance was unconvincing, verging on the ludicrous. As for the rest of the cast well, Pam Grier pops for a short while, but you know her time is limited (along with her acting ability) when she suddenly goes missing. As for the rest, well basically they are just there as cannon fodder, as lots of people die in horrible ways in this film. Written and directed by John Carpenter, it does not surprise me in the slightest, that this film really stinks. Other notable rubbish from this director being The Fog (1980), Big Trouble in Little China (1986) and Escape from New York (1981) (although I have to admit having a soft spot for the last one on that list!) There are many more disasters far to numerous to mention! The direction is...

Judgee 06.06.2002 · Read review
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Review of John Carpenter's Ghosts Of Mars (DVD)

John the Entertaining

Advantages: Very emotional writing
Disadvantages: Quite slow paced

...Up until now, I'd only ever heard of ''John the Revelator'' as a song. Judging from the several mentions of the song in the story and given that author Peter Murphy works in the music press, I suspect that's where the title of this novel came from as well. How much I enjoy the song depends on which version of it I hear, but with no such concerns with the book, I was able to enjoy it fully without worrying if someone had done a better version elsewhere that I was missing out on. John Devine is a teenager stuck in a small Irish town with a single mother, no real friends and a rather worrying fascination for bodily parasites, mostly intestinal worms. His only human contact is with his mother Lily, Mrs Nagle, an elderly neighbour and Harry Farrell, a local jack-of-all-trades. His only break from the house and from school is Sunday Mass. Not...

Soho_Black 06.08.2009 · Read review
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Review of John the Revelator - Peter Murphy

John Lewis

Advantages: Great range of services
Disadvantages: None

...John Lewis is a department store with 29 shops around the UK. They offer a wide range of high quality goods in departments such as: gifts, lighting, pictures, china and glass, linens, haberdashery, furnishing and fabrics, womenswear, lingerie, beauty, nursery, menswear, audio, toys and kitches/kitchenwear. Within the store they stock not only their own range of goods but also other branded names such as, Jigsaw, Joules, Levi and Warehouse in clothing, Bobbi Brown, Clarins and Clinique in the beauty section and Bose, Apple and Canon in electricals. As you can acertain they sell a wide range of products from knitting needles and wool to high end audio systems. All items are of great quality and if anything falls below the standard you will expect they have a great returns and refund policy with a flexible 28 days. They will even return...

rachieb123 12.10.2009 · Read review
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Review of John Lewis (Department Stores)